Congratulations to the 2018 nominees, many of whom cut their comedy teeth at The Second City.
It seems like every day, there’s some new atrocity committed by a man. It’s hard for women to feel safe online, let alone leaving their house. Well, the time has come for change. It’s time for women to take a stand, once and for all, and demand equality…by taking over these traditionally male-dominated roles.
Urban-dwelling women know going outside means an endless onslaught of unsolicited compliments and come-ons from male strangers with nothing better to do. Ladies need to hunker down on a stoop and tell random men walking by that they’re “handsome,” and you hope they “have a nice day” and “Hey! I’m talking to you! Why are you walking away? I got a nice big vagina right here for you. What? You’re too good for me? Are you into men or something? Let me change your mind!”
If there’s one thing the fight for gender equality needs more than anything, it’s a female Mayor of Flavortown. Gals, put the shama lama in ding dong and earn your right to eat all that bomb-dot-com tasty food Fieri shoves into his pie hole on the reg. Frost your hair, wear your sunglasses on the back of your head, and become the reigning queen of diners, drive-ins, and other shitholes where people who choose to ignore both the food pyramid and the pain in their left shoulder choose to eat. But for the love all things deep-fried, pleeeeeease come up with better catchphrases.
Sexually Harass-y Studio Exec
It’s not easy to make it in Hollywood. A female studio exec should make men earn movie parts and fame the way women have for decades: by getting groped, forced into non-consensual sexual situations, and having their careers threatened if they don’t give into an exec’s advances. If Leo wants another Oscar, he’ll do what he’s told.
Let’s take the “dick” out of “dictator” by having a woman in the all-encompassing power position. Honestly, if she wanted to drop a nuke on America because of Trump, can you blame her? Pussy grabs back, and it also bombs the beer-battered patriarchal bullshit out of your country.
What’s the easiest way to shatter the glass ceiling? With a hail of bullets. Every year, there’s a new deadliest mass shooting, and every year it’s always at the hands of some rage-filled man. Women probably also have perfectly good reasons to senselessly kill innocent strangers in a movie theater. Or at a music festival. Or at their current or previous workplace. Or at a school.
Probably the most famous man in the world, it’s time for Santa Claus to throw in the reign and reindeer and let a lady take a seat in the sleigh, although with a woman in charge, it’ll be a SLAY– because that’s exactly what she’ll do by bringing joy and Christmas cheer to children everywhere. Jingle those bells, deck those halls, and grab Santa by the balls to show him there’s a new clause in town…one that makes it totally acceptable to grab men by their balls.