Who the hell knows what kind of climate change weather you’ll weather?
The White House Egg Roll is a tradition that goes back over 140 years. It’s a chance for President Trump to show that he loves dragging food across his lawn, just like every other American.
Critics have accused the White House of being ill-prepared. They sent the invites late; they don’t have the staff necessary; they don’t have enough eggs for a salad, much less a major public event. WRONG! Here is the schedule for the Easter celebration that puts the “adequate” in adequately prepared:
1:03 PM Things kick off in the afternoon, as nobody feels this will be worth waking up early for.
1:07 PM A sign will hang on the front fence that reads: “Blame the Dems for understaffing. They stole all of the White House pens needed to nominate hundreds of administrative positions.”
1:08 PM The gates will not open, so visitors will be forced to jump a bike rack. (It’s surprisingly easy.)
1:11 PM An “enormous” group of people will be invited to aimlessly wander onto the lawn without direction. When the largest child takes the lead, he or she will instantly be named Secretary of Transportation.
1:15 PM Kellyanne Conway to greet people with a non-committal “hello.”
1:20 PM Egg purchasing begins. Guests can choose from three styles; rural, deluxe and Humpty Dumpty. All proceeds go towards paying for the wall.
1:21 PM Somewhere in the world, Ben Carson will be stuck in an elevator.
1:25 PM Prizes are revealed: 3rd place = A bottle of Trump vodka; 2nd place = The last remaining coal job; 1st place = automatically goes to Trump for reasons we will never understand.
1:30 PM Official time for Sean Spicer to not volunteer to wear the Easter Bunny costume, as he has never worn the costume. Ever. Those rumors are false; Hitler never invaded Poland.
1:35 PM A gaggle of Chicago Department of Aviation officers will “reaccommodate” Spicer into the costume.
1:37 PM Past White House Eggs Rolls have featured all-star talent like Beyoncé, Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber. This year will be no different. Get ready for Bro4–the most popular boy band on the planet (that doesn’t read the news). It is “technically” “music.”
1:50 PM A noticeably nervous Easter Bunny is scheduled to appear and will hand out resumes to all the adults in the “crowd.”
2:10 PM President Trump will Skype in from Mar-a-Lago to wish the kids good luck on the Egg Roll and also their futures under his policies.
2:11 PM A very presidential rant about his electoral college win.
2:25 PM Trump to conclude speech with remarks about how Jesus is a great guy doing an amazing job and he’s surprised more people aren’t aware of him.
2:30 PM Steve Bannon kicks off the Egg Roll by firing a gun in the air–and will continue to fire the gun throughout the race.
2:35 PM Disqualification of the best egg roller. She looks too prepared.
2:40 PM Mandatory first aid break for the many injured children, as the White House is removing a lot of safety regulations to make the event more competitive.
2:45 PM Everybody wins! In light of Fox News’s lowering of the success bar so low, it’s impossible for anyone to fail.
3:00 PM Melania Trump will host an after-party in her New York home. (Note: Guests have to pay for their own commute. And her housing.)
5:00 PM The best new tradition of 2017: Trump will call the Parks Department and demand they alter their photos to make his crowd–and eggs– look bigger than Obama’s.
C.J. Tuor is a frequent contributor to The Second City Network. He is a founding member of “Hitch*Cocktails” at The Annoyance Theater and “Clued In: An Improvised Murder Mystery” at Judy’s Beat Lounge.