Good news, psychologically unbalanced comedy fans!
At long last, the male romper—the RompHim—is a reality, finally giving men the chance to also look like giant, adult babies. Men, too, get to feel the breeze on their private parts, while also having a significantly harder time peeing. But what does this mean for the future of men’s everyday wear?
Why stop at RompHims when there are so many other practical fashion choices that could be made unisex for cis het men?
Baby Dawg Tees
You’re a middle school boy on Christmas. You’re sitting around the fire with your family, eating a steak. It’s time to exchange presents. You open up a box addressed to you from your aunt. Inside the box, you find what appears to be a crop top made for an American Girl Doll sewn onto a circus tent.
Yes, it’s the Baby Dawg Tee.
Inspired by the Baby Doll Tee, these t-shirts have the amazing ability to make anyone, no matter what their body type, look six months pregnant. But your aunt thinks it would look “so sweet” on you, so you’ll wear it to all of your future family outings and endure the pointed looks from random strangers, because that’s what good nephews do. Feeling fat today? Good! The Baby Dawg Tee will ensure that everyone agrees with you! Baby Dawg Tees, because who needs self-esteem?
Dudely Dukes are the Daisy Dukes for men. No longer will your underbutt be imprisoned in uncomfortable pants. This spring, let it all hang out and show the world how pale your butt got during the long winter. Caution, white folks, make sure to rub some sunscreen on the area before venturing outside, or the results could be catastrophic.
It’s time to go out to the club with your bromigos. Forget girls; you just want to dance. You need a shoe that simultaneously arouses and frightens everyone around you. You need a shoe that makes you walk like you’re wasted before you’ve even had a sip of alcohol. You need a shoe that medical professionals would not recommend. The Studletto is that shoe. Stilettos are old news. Who wants to see high heels on women anymore? No, this is a man’s world now, and they should get to wear the tall shoes. Designed with extra thick heels to take a man’s girth, these shoes will make you feel like kicking open doors and hiding weapons on your person like some kind of assassin. But, if you get chased by a bear, you will die. So don’t get chased by a bear.
Say goodbye to Dad Bod with the Scoreset. A corset made for men. Made to be worn in the bedroom or in the club, Scoresets are guaranteed to help you score the hottest chick with your new, slimmer waist. “Crunches are a thing of the past. I’ll have another order of chicken wings. Atkins? Never heard of it!” This life could be yours with the Scoreset. You won’t be able to breathe, but you will be able to Score(set).
Everyone wants an accessory that encourages strangulation, and now men can have one, too. Let’s all say, “I wanna ChokeHim.”
Alexandra Shields received her B.A. in theater with a concentration in playwriting and theater for young audiences. Upon graduation, her play, Dog Eat Dog was selected for the Graduate Playwriting Showcase. Post Northwestern, Alexandra graduated from the Second City Writing Program. Her sketches have since been featured in The Mary Scruggs Festival and Secrets and Lies. Her plays have been featured at 13th Street Repertory Company, American Theater Company’s Bridge Program. Alexandra has also had articles published by Cracked.com.