11 Ways to Survive the Chicago Polar Vortex

By Julie Marchiano, The Second City | Jan 6, 2014

It’s -320° degrees outside. Chicago Public Schools are shut down. Tom Skilling’s tweeting thumb is about to fall off. With the Polar Vortex finally upon us, many Chicagoans are preparing for the worst.

Holed up at home with your significant other/kids/dog/non-condoned space heater? Don’t waste a perfectly good sub-zero day. Here are 11 ways you can have fun today (without losing any of the good parts of your face).

11. Cook Something New

Dominick’s was smart: they shut down for this weather like a week ago. Didn’t make it to Jewel before the wind chill hit Siberian lows? See if Pinterest has a recipe that includes jarred pesto, Shrimp Flavored Ramen, and rainbow sprinkles– you know, the only things in your cupboard.

10. Play Monopoly

No, I mean all the way through. You’ve got the time.

9. Wear Your Snuggie in the Shower

Or freeze to death. Your choice. Remember how you meant to ask your landlord to re-caulk, but then The Voice happened? #TeamBlake.

8. Don’t Have Sex

It’s not worth losing your layers.

7. Conduct a Potato Chip Taste Test 

Because SEE ABOVE.

6. Grow Out Your Leg Hair


5. Get Swabbed for the Flu & Strep Simultaneously

I did it! What a blast! Marvel at how they make those Q-Tips so GODDAMN LONG OWWW.

4. Google “Los Angeles Apartments for Rent Refrigerator Los Feliz”

Question everything about the “life” you’ve made for yourself here in the Midwest, if you can even call it that.

3. Let Your Faucets Drip

So your pipes don’t freeze! AND LOSE YOUR F*CKING MIND IN THE PROCESS.

2. Reveal Your True Feelings to That Person You Hate And/Or Love

You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of us are making it out alive.

1. See If Your Nips Actually CAN Cut Glass

I have a hole in my window 😉


Julie Marchiano is from the South and is not handling things very well right now. She is a graduate of the Conservatory and Writing Programs at The Second City Training Center and a two-time BoatCo alum (NCL Dawn, NCL Epic). She currently performs with Moxie, an official House Ensemble of The Second City Training Center, and all about town with people she loves. You can find out more about her at www.juliemarchiano.com

Hilarious Right? Follow the Second City For More