How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

If sexuality is fluid, then so is politics. Both exist on a spectrum, both evolve and change as we grow up, and both are fun in the moment—but ultimately make us feel a little ashamed.

In a perfect world, Bob the Drag Queen from the latest season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” would be elected President of the United States.

But until we reach that beautiful day, we must evaluate each candidate’s flits and specks of gaynes. After all, it’s no secret that supporting gays has become politically advantageous in the eyes of the Democratic Party, while hating gays has ironically become boner-inducing for Republicans.

Since our only lesbian candidate, Lindsay Graham, and the guy who is the physical manifestation of every single faceless Grindr profile, Jeb Bush, dropped out, let’s examine the rest of the crowd.

First up: Bernie Sanders. —>

Candidate: Bernie Sanders

Why He’s Gay: Sanders has most likely rested his little old man head at literally thousands of cozy Vermont B&Bs owned by stout, older lesbian couples who are both named Wendy.

Why He’s Not: He dresses like an entire JCPenney suit section fell down a hill; probably thinks 2(X)IST is a section on your W9; knows exactly 0% of the lyrics to Jess Glynne’s “Hold My Hand.”

Gay-Friendliness: V High

While Sanders didn’t officially support gay marriage until 2009 (relatively late in the game, considering that gay humans have been around for literally millions of years), he has consistently voted and spoken out against anti-gay agendas his entire career.

• Signed a Gay Pride Day declaration in 1983 when he was mayor of Burlington (the town, not the coat factory)
• Voted against DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) in 1996
• Opposed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell from its onset
• After hearing a Republican use the phrase “homos in the military” out loud in public inside the House of Representatives, shot back with, “You have insulted thousands of men and women who have put their lives on the line”

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “How should I ejaculate with my sexual partner, Bernie?”

It’s unclear what his stance is on the most divisive, volatile issue facing gay men today: PreP. Does he support using PreP without condoms? PreP plus condoms?

Overall Gay Rating: Proud PFLAG Dad

Next: Hillary Clinton —>

Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Why She’s Gay: Her “Let’s-All-Go-to-the-Lesbian-Gala” power suits; possesses perfect Disney villainess credentials–an aspirational, self-employed, strong woman in a misogynistic world leading a faithful army of minions to foil young, idealistic lovers.

Clinton has been chased by lesbian rumors for years and has been accused of having an affair with longtime advisor Huma Abedin. These rumors are probably not true, as it’s pretty clear that Clinton is only attracted to things that give her power, like campaigning, political office and the dying screams of Republicans.  

Why She’s Not: Though she is filled with camp value, Clinton’s record hasn’t exactly been death drop-worthy.

• Spent more than 20 years on the “One Man, One Woman” soapbox
• Supported her husband’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy
• Stated her position as being “very positive about civil unions” during a 2007 debate
• Looked Ellen DeGeneres in the eye during this exchange on her show in 2007:

ED: You support civil unions…

HC: I do.

ED: But not gay marriage…

HC: Uh-huh.

• Went radio silent HBO cancelled “Looking” in 2015

Gay-Friendliness: Very High/Whatever It Needs to Be to Get Elected, Why Won’t You Just Love Me, Goddamnit? I Have A Lot Of Good Qualities, People

Beginning in 2013 or so–what’s in the past is in the past, the point is, SHE EVOLVED–Clinton’s cadre of campaign advisors carefully measured the pros and cons of being pro-gay and decided to encode Hillary Version 9.06 Beta with measuredly evolved pro-gay software.

• Now fully supports gay marriage, and on the day everyone made their Facebook profile pictures all rainbowy, she tweeted, “Every loving couple & family deserves to be recognized & treated equally under the law across our nation. #LoveMustWin #LoveCantWait.”
• Supported the Equality Act of 2015
• In favor ofamending the records of the 14,000 servicemen and women who were forced to leave the armed services because they were gay under her husband’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to reflect an honorable discharge. And if there’s anything the gayz love, it is a discharge filled with HONOR. And Poppers.
• Endorsed by the Human Rights Campaign

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: Shit, the Human Rights Campaign has given Goldman Sachs a perfect rating for 12 straight years *and* is supported by defense contractors, so… “IS THIS EVEN A GOOD THING? GOD, MY HEAD HURTS. MAKE THIS CAMPAIGN SEASON STOP.”

Overall Gay Rating: Jane Lynch from “Best In Show”

Next: John Kasich —>

Candidate: John Kasich

Why He’s Gay: Flaunting the hair of an older lesbian who has been in this line too long, Kasich has attended at least one gay wedding and says he would love a gay son or daughter.

Why He’s Not: Kasich looks and acts like every divorced, single dad in the throes of a mid-life crisis–the one who starts dating a college student with two first names, like Amber Lynne, and buys a used mid-2000s convertible with like 40,000 miles on it to drive Amber Lynne around his small town blaring Huey Lewis & the News.

Gay Friendliness: Not the Worst Ever, But Far from Acceptable; You Know, Like Cleveland

• Voted for DOMA
• Did not support same sex marriage in Ohio
• Accepts the Supreme Court ruling, even if he doesn’t agree with it, like a good Conservative Dad
• Prevented same sex couples from getting birth certificates for their kids, which feels particularly Ted Cruz-ian
• Actually used the word “amazed” to describe his feelings about the fact that schools in California would possibly consider updating history books to reflect that gay people have actually existed and contributed to society at large for more than 10 years

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “How many hundreds of miles would you drive your gay daughter to get an abortion?”

Overall Gay Rating: Mary Cheney

Next: Donald Trump —>

Candidate: Donald Trump

Why He’s Gay: >>>>>Sound of 1000 supercomputers exploding trying to comprehend the question<<<<<

Why He’s Not: Trump represents the straight, male id in ways that Rush Limbaugh’s sweaty, cyst-covered man breasts could only dream. He is Male Entitlement on two legs, dressed like an inverted colonoscopy. Every failing of the over-egoed, over-buttered, over-Umbro’ed “Big Dog Gotta Hunt” American male is on display whenever he opens its hateful flesh slit.

Also, he took this picture with his underage daughter in 1996:  

Gay-Friendliness: Um, Low

• Thinks gays shouldn’t be discriminated against at work, but also he now seems to like the idea of FADA, stating “If Congress considers the First Amendment Defense Act a priority, then I will do all I can to make sure it comes to my desk for signatures and enactment.”
• Vowing to nominate Supreme Court Justices that will overturn the current gay marriage ruling, so get ready for the Honorable Houston Hooters Waitress and Bristol Palin
• On the upside, you know he’s encouraged countless pairs of quietly crying, naked young women to go ahead, kiss each other.

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “Why, God, why?!?!!”

Overall Gay Rating: A Handjob from a Tacky Russian Heiress with 17-Inch Nails

Next: Marco Rubio —>

Candidate: Marco Rubio

Why He’s Gay: Rubio maybe possibly was at a gay foam party in the 1990s…or so the Internet says. He drinks water like he’s perpetually on Molly, plus his name sounds like a party bottom porn star from the 90s who mostly starred in ranch porns produced by Catalina Video.   

Why He’s Not: Clearly, Rubio doesn’t douche before he bottoms, because everything that comes out of him is covered in shit.

Gay Friendliness: Basement Level

• Doesn’t want gays to adopt, once saying homeless, disadvantaged kids “shouldn’t be forced to be part of a social experiment.”
• Supports FADA (First Amendment Defense Act), that bs that allows bakeries to deny fondant to same sex couples
• Does not support gay workplace non-discrimination act ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act)
• Recorded robocalls for the National Organization for Marriage, because he is a roboprick

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “Will it be difficult to overturn any Obama executive action supporting discrimination of gays on the first day of your presidency because your presidency will only occur in your mind?”

Overall Gay Rating: Could You Please Repeat That Part About Two in the Stink?

Next: Ben Carson —>

Candidate: Ben Carson

Why He’s Gay: Carson has that slightly feminine, “we’re going to paint a pretty little tree” Bob Ross voice and seems–at first glance–like a gentle, very elderly twink.

Why He’s Not: Have you seen his book cover?

 

Possibly the least gay image in human history.   

Gay Friendliness: Carrie’s Mom in the Movie ‘Carrie,’ But to Gays

• Thinks pro-gay judges should be fired; no word on what he thinks of pro-creationist neurosurgeons.
• Stated that people turn gay because of prison, which is false–we turn gay because of prancing
• Once made a “joke” about anti-gay bakers poisoning gay wedding cakes
• Has compared being gay to polygamy and beastiality

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “Do you know what a ‘bear orgy’ actually is, Dr. Carson?”

Overall Gay Rating: Michelle Duggar Punching a Trans Teen in the Face

Next: Ted Cruz —>

Candidate: Ted Cruz

Why He’s Gay: His wife Heidi looks exactly like every pill-addled woman who realizes, two years in, that she married a gay man and thus will never be sexually satisfied for as long as she lives and is dealing with realization this through progressively more vodka.

Why He’s Not: Something about his Michael-Myers-on-a-Job-Interview face makes me think Cruz likes boobies, in the creepiest way humanly possible to like boobies. Like, he probably, as a 44-year-old man, sees a mannequin in a store and looks at its boobs, turns bright red, snickers and says “boooooobies” while sweating furiously from the chin.

Basically, if it doesn’t come out in a couple of years that Ted Cruz breaks into morgues and sleeps with women’s corpses and slowly combs their hair with a giant antique brush while repeating the words, “Such a pretty girl….such a pretty girl,” I’m going to be shocked.     

Gay Friendliness: Non-Existent

• Calls gay marriage an affront to the Constitution, which is ironic, because the words emanate from a demon mouth that’s pressed into a jowly flesh mask so creepy it’s an affront to all humanity
• Kim Davis is basically his whatever a straight, constipated moray eel’s version of a fag hag is. Inspired by her, he says he will pass something called the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA) in his first 100 days of office, which will protect religious-based discrimination of gays.
• Again, his face is what Charles Manson has nightmares about.

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “How is it that you believe being gay is a choice, but being a sad, puttering whisper-fart let loose on a hot pleather seat and then captured and placed inside a flesh sack that vaguely resembles a human is not?”

Gay Rating: Corpse Fucker

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John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) will be voting for write-in candidate Judith Light. Again. Visit johnlooscomedy.com.