How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

By The Second City | Mar 1, 2016


Candidate: Marco Rubio

Why He's Gay: Rubio maybe possibly was at a gay foam party in the 1990s…or so the Internet says. He drinks water like he's perpetually on Molly, plus his name sounds like a party bottom porn star from the 90s who mostly starred in ranch porns produced by Catalina Video.   

Why He's Not: Clearly, Rubio doesn't douche before he bottoms, because everything that comes out of him is covered in shit.

Gay Friendliness: Basement Level

  • Doesn't want gays to adopt, once saying homeless, disadvantaged kids “shouldn't be forced to be part of a social experiment.”
  • Supports FADA (First Amendment Defense Act), that bs that allows bakeries to deny fondant to same sex couples
  • Does not support gay workplace non-discrimination act ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act)
  • Recorded robocalls for the National Organization for Marriage, because he is a roboprick

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “Will it be difficult to overturn any Obama executive action supporting discrimination of gays on the first day of your presidency because your presidency will only occur in your mind?”

Overall Gay Rating: Could You Please Repeat That Part About Two in the Stink?

Next: Ben Carson --->

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