How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

By The Second City | Mar 1, 2016


Candidate: Donald Trump

Why He's Gay: >>>>>Sound of 1000 supercomputers exploding trying to comprehend the question<<<<<

Why He's Not: Trump represents the straight, male id in ways that Rush Limbaugh's sweaty, cyst-covered man breasts could only dream. He is Male Entitlement on two legs, dressed like an inverted colonoscopy. Every failing of the over-egoed, over-buttered, over-Umbro’ed "Big Dog Gotta Hunt" American male is on display whenever he opens its hateful flesh slit.

Also, he took this picture with his underage daughter in 1996:  


Gay-Friendliness: Um, Low

  • Thinks gays shouldn't be discriminated against at work, but also he now seems to like the idea of FADA, stating “If Congress considers the First Amendment Defense Act a priority, then I will do all I can to make sure it comes to my desk for signatures and enactment.”
  • Vowing to nominate Supreme Court Justices that will overturn the current gay marriage ruling, so get ready for the Honorable Houston Hooters Waitress and Bristol Palin
  • On the upside, you know he's encouraged countless pairs of quietly crying, naked young women to go ahead, kiss each other.

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: "Why, God, why?!?!!"

Overall Gay Rating: A Handjob from a Tacky Russian Heiress with 17-Inch Nails

Next: Marco Rubio --->

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