How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

By The Second City | Mar 1, 2016


Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Why She's Gay: Her “Let's-All-Go-to-the-Lesbian-Gala” power suits; possesses perfect Disney villainess credentials--an aspirational, self-employed, strong woman in a misogynistic world leading a faithful army of minions to foil young, idealistic lovers.

Clinton has been chased by lesbian rumors for years and has been accused of having an affair with longtime advisor Huma Abedin. These rumors are probably not true, as it's pretty clear that Clinton is only attracted to things that give her power, like campaigning, political office and the dying screams of Republicans.  

Why She's Not: Though she is filled with camp value, Clinton’s record hasn't exactly been death drop-worthy.

  • Spent more than 20 years on the “One Man, One Woman” soapbox
  • Supported her husband’s Don't Ask Don't Tell policy
  • Stated her position as being "very positive about civil unions" during a 2007 debate
  • Looked Ellen DeGeneres in the eye during this exchange on her show in 2007:

ED: You support civil unions...

HC: I do.

ED: But not gay marriage…

HC: Uh-huh.

  • Went radio silent HBO cancelled “Looking” in 2015

Gay-Friendliness: Very High/Whatever It Needs to Be to Get Elected, Why Won't You Just Love Me, Goddamnit? I Have A Lot Of Good Qualities, People

Beginning in 2013 or so--what's in the past is in the past, the point is, SHE EVOLVED--Clinton's cadre of campaign advisors carefully measured the pros and cons of being pro-gay and decided to encode Hillary Version 9.06 Beta with measuredly evolved pro-gay software.

  • Now fully supports gay marriage, and on the day everyone made their Facebook profile pictures all rainbowy, she tweeted, "Every loving couple & family deserves to be recognized & treated equally under the law across our nation. #LoveMustWin #LoveCantWait."
  • Supported the Equality Act of 2015
  • In favor ofamending the records of the 14,000 servicemen and women who were forced to leave the armed services because they were gay under her husband's Don't Ask Don't Tell to reflect an honorable discharge. And if there's anything the gayz love, it is a discharge filled with HONOR. And Poppers.
  • Endorsed by the Human Rights Campaign

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: Shit, the Human Rights Campaign has given Goldman Sachs a perfect rating for 12 straight years *and* is supported by defense contractors, so... “IS THIS EVEN A GOOD THING? GOD, MY HEAD HURTS. MAKE THIS CAMPAIGN SEASON STOP.”

Overall Gay Rating: Jane Lynch from “Best In Show”

Next: John Kasich --->

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