How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

By The Second City | Mar 1, 2016


Candidate: John Kasich

Why He's Gay: Flaunting the hair of an older lesbian who has been in this line too long, Kasich has attended at least one gay wedding and says he would love a gay son or daughter.

Why He's Not: Kasich looks and acts like every divorced, single dad in the throes of a mid-life crisis--the one who starts dating a college student with two first names, like Amber Lynne, and buys a used mid-2000s convertible with like 40,000 miles on it to drive Amber Lynne around his small town blaring Huey Lewis & the News.

Gay Friendliness: Not the Worst Ever, But Far from Acceptable; You Know, Like Cleveland

  • Voted for DOMA
  • Did not support same sex marriage in Ohio
  • Accepts the Supreme Court ruling, even if he doesn't agree with it, like a good Conservative Dad
  • Prevented same sex couples from getting birth certificates for their kids, which feels particularly Ted Cruz-ian
  • Actually used the word “amazed” to describe his feelings about the fact that schools in California would possibly consider updating history books to reflect that gay people have actually existed and contributed to society at large for more than 10 years

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: "How many hundreds of miles would you drive your gay daughter to get an abortion?"

Overall Gay Rating: Mary Cheney

Next: Donald Trump --->

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