How Gay Is Your Presidential Candidate?

By The Second City | Mar 1, 2016


Candidate: Ted Cruz

Why He's Gay: His wife Heidi looks exactly like every pill-addled woman who realizes, two years in, that she married a gay man and thus will never be sexually satisfied for as long as she lives and is dealing with realization this through progressively more vodka.

Why He's Not: Something about his Michael-Myers-on-a-Job-Interview face makes me think Cruz likes boobies, in the creepiest way humanly possible to like boobies. Like, he probably, as a 44-year-old man, sees a mannequin in a store and looks at its boobs, turns bright red, snickers and says "boooooobies" while sweating furiously from the chin.

Basically, if it doesn't come out in a couple of years that Ted Cruz breaks into morgues and sleeps with women's corpses and slowly combs their hair with a giant antique brush while repeating the words, "Such a pretty girl....such a pretty girl," I'm going to be shocked.     

Gay Friendliness: Non-Existent

  • Calls gay marriage an affront to the Constitution, which is ironic, because the words emanate from a demon mouth that's pressed into a jowly flesh mask so creepy it's an affront to all humanity
  • Kim Davis is basically his whatever a straight, constipated moray eel's version of a fag hag is. Inspired by her, he says he will pass something called the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA) in his first 100 days of office, which will protect religious-based discrimination of gays.
  • Again, his face is what Charles Manson has nightmares about.

What Gay Voters Need to Ask: “How is it that you believe being gay is a choice, but being a sad, puttering whisper-fart let loose on a hot pleather seat and then captured and placed inside a flesh sack that vaguely resembles a human is not?”

Gay Rating: Corpse Fucker


John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) will be voting for write-in candidate Judith Light. Again. Visit

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