Dear Poor and Indigent of Brazil I write you this letter from a position of great concern upon my Novus…
I wanted to start this article out by reminding everyone of a time when we actually read articles with, like, paragraphs and shit– but then I got scared that the BuzzFeed Illuminati would come to my house and chop me up into little pieces and then make me into a series of dancing GIFS/JIFS and then, like, that would be my funeral service?
So, I’m gonna change my tune and say DAMN, LISTS ARE AWESOME. Sure, they’ve grown in popularity over the last few years… and thank goodness, because I needed to know how I already know that I’m from North Carolina, even though I’m FROM there, so I KNOW, ASSHOLES.
Lists have been keeping it real for a long time. With a plethora of ‘em out there, it can be hard to discern which lists are worth your time and which ones are for the birds, so we’ve put together a definitive list of the 15 best lists… OF ALL TIME.
1. The Phone Book
Think about it. It’s just a big contact list of everyone around you.
2. The Ten Commandments
The first list we know of. It’s made out of stone and came from the sky, SO YOU KNOW IT’S LEGIT, Y’ALL.
3. Cast lists
Nothing will make or break a 15-year-old’s spirit like finding out who got “Maureen” in Rent Jr.
4. Grocery lists
Everybody’s gotta eat. Thanks, Mom!
5. Set lists
Rockstars have ‘em. So do stand-ups.
6. Those rules they put up by the pool
No running, no pushing, no cut-offs, no diving, no pooping.
7. Side effects for drugs that they rattle off real fast at the end of commercials
You could get diarrhea, or you could get dead. What range!
8. The Billboard Top 40
Remember when Casey Kasem (RIP) did it live on Sunday mornings? I mean before wax cyborg Ryan Seacrest took over all media. Does Seacrest own BuzzFeed?
Pro Tip: These lists can be tricky if you screw up Tsp. and Tbs. #saltycookies #LOL #BLESSED
10. To-Do lists
Sometimes I like to start mine with “Make a List” so that I can cross it off, sit back, and feel like I accomplished something.
11. The Alphabet
Big-ass list of letters, man.
12. Report cards
Also known as “a list of ways you disappoint your dad.”
One of the BEST best lists. Can you tell I’m hungry?
14. iTunes playlists
These are cool because they’re like lists within lists. Question, though: Does it still count as a list if your “In Case We Break Up” playlist is just that “All By Myself” song, but then you put it on repeat?
15. Itemized receipts from the bar
AKA, a list of regrets.
Julie Marchiano is:
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