By Paul Ryan
Did you know February is American Heart Month? Cardiovascular health is the best Valentine’s Day gift you can give yourself. Well, technically a bathtub full of chocolate and peanut butter while The Notebook plays nearby on a loop is the best Valentine’s gift you can give yourself, but you get the point.
Here are some quick, easy tips to help you get heart healthy this month.
Wear red this month to show your awareness that hearts are a thing we have! Everyone at Outback Steakhouse will certainly be impressed with both your sense of style and your commitment to fitness as you tuck into your second Bloomin’ Onion.
Small Changes, Big Results
Even small tweaks to your daily routine can net big dividends to your overall heart health and wellness. For instance, take the stairs instead of the elevator on your way up to contest the details of your messy divorce! Your heart will thank you, even if Todd never, ever did.
Add Heart-Healthy Foods To Your Diet
Snag a handful of almonds or berries as a quick snack. They’re loaded with fiber and phytonutrients that will keep your heart healthy even while being cussed out by your boss in front of your colleagues for only working 48.5 hours last week!
Take steps to quit smoking for good, and resist the temptation to pick your bad habit back up again during times of stress, such as (just spitballing here) when a woman who never so much as attended a day of public school in her life is confirmed to oversee all the public schools. Instead, chew all the nicotine gum you can find, all at once, until you black out into the sweet, unknowing peace of unconsciousness for a few hours.
No seriously, get outside right now. We’re getting reports of an active shooter situation in your office building.
Know Your Risk
Are you anything but Caucasian? Argh, bad news. You are 500 times more likely to be cardiac arrested. If you think you might be having a heart attack in public, drop to the ground immediately and put your hands up; do not clutch your arm or chest or yell, “I’m having a heart attack,” as police may assume you are reaching for a gun or inciting a riot.
Go Off The Grid
Come to think of it, forget the almonds. That’s not going to cut it. Just logging on to Facebook for five minutes among longtime friends and family members who like to talk about politics can release more free radicals than 7 million x-rays. Time to hit up Zillow for their best off-the-grid cabins. Can’t afford one of those? Just start digging a hole. You can live there, free from all-caps tweetstorms and a world where all news is fake news. Plus, digging is great exercise!
Strike A Deal With A Powerful Sorceress
You’ll never did your hole in time, you fool! Your last, best hope is to travel deep into the rainforest and seek out a powerful high priestess of a primitive tribe. With some coaxing, she will agree to perform a heart-protection ceremony in exchange for one of your kidneys, your New Balance sneakers and your 10 most joyful memories. For the love of everything good and holy, take the deal! Save yourself!
Offer Your Heart As A Sacrifice To Appease The Gods of War
Ah, crap. There are no good flight deals to the Amazon rainforest right now. Well, it’s for the best. The bad news is that your sacrifice means certain death for you, and by extension, your heart. But perhaps your gesture may appease the gods of war and save the hearts of many.
Just before you tear your still-beating heart from your chest and fling it into the nearest active volcano, drape yourself in red and smear almond paste and red berry juice on your skin to symbolize your commitment. Feel free to taste test before applying, it will give you that extra burst of clean energy to stay energized throughout the ceremony!
If that won’t fit into your busy schedule (you’re already juggling so much!), just skip the above steps and eat an avocado. Great on salads! Here’s to your heart health this month and always.
Brooke Preston is a frequent contributor to the Second City Network and studied satire writing at Second City Training Center. A Midwest-based comedy writer and storyteller, she’s a co-founder/editor of The Belladonna Comedy.