As a straight, white, Christian male, I am exhausted by the 3% of American society that doesn’t bend over backwards to meet my preferences…
The Hawks rule supreme!!!
Sure, that was the most glorious 17 seconds in all of sports history… But what about you? What about that sweet hockey playoff beard you’ve been faithfully rocking for the last six weeks?
Based on your particular hair patterns, here are the pros and cons of how to move forward. With your life, and with your face.
The Patch Adams
Con: People can’t tell if it’s a choice… or a mistake.
Pro: You can make tons of money panhandling. You probably have a bunch of mustard-stained clothes to help you pull it off.
Con: You’ve made a choice, but it’s the wrong choice. Your proportions are all wrong, and there’s a serious disconnect between your chin and your upper lip.
Pro: Dress to the nines in colored leisure suits and carry a cane. You are now “Mr. Eccentric.”
The Mani Mani
Con: The lines are so clean it looks like you painted it on. It’s the facial equivalent of a bikini wax. You should never look like you tried this hard. With anything.
Pro: Start doing drag. There’s nothing more awesome than a drag queen… EXCEPT a drag queen with a painted beard.
Con: Unless you’re actually a wizard or an aging hippie; longer is not better.
Pro: You’re a biker, baby! Get a motorcycle; kill a guy.
Con: You look like a douchebag. You are a douchebag.
Pro: Shave. Now. Or better yet, tomorrow– after you’ve sobered up from your two-day binge at The Pony.
Andel Sudik has written and performed at Second City, iO and is an alum of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, loek ja?