Thank you, Dove, on behalf of women everywhere.
If we’re talking about the For Real 2014 Winter Olympics, here are the events Chicagoans would be competing in.
Event: Cross-City Transit
Armed with Ventra cards, athletes are tasked with getting from one point of the city to the another. The gold medal goes to the person who can do it with the least amount of transfers. Timing is key: if you miss a bus, you’ll be stuck waiting 3 to 47 minutes in sub-zero temps for the next one.
Obstacles: Tourists who can’t get their Ventra card to work,as well locals who can’t get their Ventra card to work. You know what? you might as well throw yourself in there as well, ‘cause that card just ain’t gonna work.
Event: Pothole Luging
Sleds shoot down the city streets at record speeds only reserved for cops blasting through red lights with their sirens on.
Objective: Make it to the end of the block, which rarely happens because of gaping abysses of various sizes and depths lining the streets. The course is unfinishable.
Event: Streetstyle Parking
Trying to find a parking space in the city is an event all in itself, but throw in an assload of snow and an assload assholes who put their dead grandma’s old chair in spots to save them and you, my friend, have an Olympic event.
Event: The Unplowed Street Walk
I know, I know. It sounds like an illegal sex act. It just might be.
Event: Polar Vortex Boiling Water Toss
This isn’t reserved for viral videos anymore. Let’s see who can competitively get the most distance.
Event: Freestyle Smoking
This event takes place 15 feet away from bars and businesses. Competitors do their best freestyle dance moves as they try to stay warm and still get that nicotine high.
New This Year: Once only open to “traditional” smokers, this event is now allowing electronic cig and weed smokers to compete, as well.
Event: Chocolate Land Mine Relay
This is the scariest of all events as you must navigate a snowy block that has not been shoveled. Under that snow is strategically placed dog poo that lazy owners refuse to scoop. Should you step on one, you will be disqualified– and your shoes ruined.
Patrick Rowland is a writer and comedian in Chicago. He is an alum of The Second City Training Center House Ensemble and of their Outreach and Diversity program.