There is so, so much about 2017 that we’d all like erased from our brains.
Lots of times, actors call acting “brave.” That is so insulting to firefighters and lobstermen. Angelina Jolie’s truly brave choice and her longtime love Brad Pitt’s boundless support is no joke.
And yet… truth?
I really, really miss the old Brad ‘n Angie sometimes. Here’s why.
1. They Were Dangerous
I don’t mean in a dagger-wielding, vial of blood-wearing, getting high-and-bingeing-on-Mexican food dangerous. While we’re all vaguely aware that Brad is 12 years older than Angie, you might not know that he was once arguably a sex offender. Remember the time he went to the Oscars with Juliette Lewis and her white girl cornrows? Ya, mon? But do you also remember that they began their four-year love affair when she was 16 and he was 26?
That’s like if R-Patz was dating a junior in high school right now. Brad, seriously. How did you not go to jail?
2. They Were Sneaky
So, they secretly fell in love on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith while one of them was already married. Big deal. You know that entire crew knew the whole time. However, I give Angelina so much credit for The Great Billy Bob Caper. The one where his longtime fiancée, Laura Dern, went out of town– and when she got home, quelle surprise! Angie was the fifth Mrs. Thornton. And he never spoke to Laura again.
Can you imagine the kind of surprise parties Angie must be capable of pulling off for her kids’ birthdays?
3. One Of Them Used to Care About His Looks
There was a reason my friends and I used to scribble “Mrs. Brad Pitt” in our notebooks during high school. (See #1: We didn’t know how great our chances really were.) The first was that there was no Wikipedia, so we didn’t know his first name was legally William. Second, he was probably the most handsome fella ever created. And third, he didn’t have scraggly, unwashed hair, an unkempt beardy-thing, and he certainly didn’t wear tinted-lens glasses like someone who doesn’t care about looking cool. The guy I used to not actually know liked looking fine.
What I want in my aspirational movie star couples is to live the magical life I want to live. Dresses slit up to the eyeballs! The power to make Jonah Hill an Oscar nominee!
I’m certainly not interested in an unwavering commitment to putting a spotlight on some of the world’s most destitute places or inspiring people to feel empowered when it comes to one of the scariest words of all: cancer. God, it’s scary even to type it.
Fine. I give up.
I’ll go to the doctor and eat antioxidants and do everything in my power to make sure that I live a long, healthy life for my sake and the sake of my family, because you two made what could have been a completely private ordeal something unavoidably public.
You win, New Brad and Angie.
Now excuse me while I go make out with my brother– cause I’m never giving up my edge.
Liz Kozak (Editor) is a writer in Chicago who would take commas and hyphens over cake and ice cream any day. She also contributes regularly at The Huffington Post and blogs about stuff at poseypieproductions.com. Follow @LizKoz.