This note was found folded and singed in a crushed pack of Lucky Strikes in a dead mall Santa’s boot…
Love is patient; love is kind; love is A WASTE OF TIME. Listen, love is great. In the movies. In the movies, love is great! In real life, it is distracting, time consuming and expensive. Very expensive. There are three times a year you’re going to want to make sure you’re unattached:
That last one’s the worst, because it isn’t even real. (You could also argue that Christmas isn’t real, but I don’t have that kind of time.) We “celebrate” V-Day because light years ago, some “rebel” named Saint Valentine was being put to death for crimes committed against Rome. That same morning, he sent a letter to some chick he “helped” and signed it “Your Valentine.”
Seriously? Don’t spend your hard-earned money on some Crystal or Chaz because this moron made less than stellar choices in the 5th century.
But you say, “You don’t understand! I am in deep. I can’t just not answer their calls!” Ahh…yeah, you can. It’s a free country.
Truth be told, if you’re in too deep and can’t break up with someone because you “don’t wanna hurt their feelings,” you’re a chicken shit and should GET OVER YOURSELF! The quicker you end it, the quicker they can get over you.
However, if you’re reading this, chances are you are self-proclaimed chicken shit and need a little help! Putting the perfect plan in place to have someone kick you to the curb this late in the game is gonna be tough, but have faith! It can be done. Here are 5 Pro Tips on how to get someone else to break up with you.
If you hope to rid yourself of your arm candy before V-Day, don’t do anything with their family. EVER. This one is the most difficult if you’ve been dating someone for longer than three months. Running out of excuses? Just cry and talk about being an orphan and how seeing families makes you uncomfortable. If you believe it, they will believe it.
Avoid Date Night
“Date nights” are for couples who want to stay invested in each other’s lives. THIS IS NOT YOUR GOAL. RDN (regular date night) institutes an atmosphere of shared space, love and investment. Avoiding these will void you of shared intimacy. HOORAY! People who want to be in committed, healthy relationships will want RDN–not someone who avoids them like Best Buy on Black Friday.
KWTP (Know When to Poop)
KWTP is the MOST important tip to free up your February 14th. Whenever your bae brings up words such as “long-term,” “future” or the dreaded “we,” act like you have to poop. Seriously. No one will beg you to stay in a conversation (or a bed, or a relationship) if you constantly have to poop. Nor will they ask questions. KWTP 4 LYFE!
Work Late Hours
You are career driven! Yes! Make it abundantly clear to your long faced lover that they better get used to late nights and solo dinners, ’cause your #1 priority is your work. If you are unemployed, this part gets a bit more tricky. Lie and say you’re developing an app or building your “start-up.” That will get you by for a LONG time! The more you’re not around, the more you are training them to not need you around.
Give Shitty Gifts
This one is a MUST!!! And works like a charm. Everyone loves gifts, right? WRONG! Everyone loves GOOD gifts. Set the precedent of giving shitty gifts–and I’m talking shitty, not like “gift card” shitty– like, anything that says “Old Navy” shitty.
If these don’t work, you’re dating Cybil. Anyone with half a brain and a need for a healthy relationship will run. Best of luck. You’re gonna need it.
Another Chicken Shit
Rachel LaForce is a recent Second City Touring Company alum and currently lives in Los Angeles. For all LaForce musings, follow her on Twitter @raelaforce.