By Paul Ryan
Where do you get off America, asking politicians not to get off?
I’m sick and tired of politicians being oppressed for having too much love to give.
Love like, “All you need is love” and “Love is a many splendored thing” and “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” And yet we are constantly asking these poor men to apologize for spreading the love.
It was downright unpleasant watching Anthony Weiner stand by his wife and field questions about the new dick pics that surfaced. Google them. You won’t be sorry. His use of perspective and light really make a statement. They say, “Here I am. Carlos Danger. Take me or leave me.”
Shouldn’t we applaud him for personally taking an interest in young voters? And for having a dick bigger than his feet?
And don’t get me started on Bob Filner. I’m appalled by San Diego right now. Mayor Filner is being unfairly persecuted for being affectionate. He’s being made to feel uncomfortable and even being pushed to quit by his own staff, his own party and everyone else who’s been asked about it casually. He’s been peer pressured into taking a two-week sex therapy intensive.
Two whole weeks!
That’s two episodes of True Blood. Yes, that show’s still on. That’s 14 days of sex camp paid for by the taxpayers… and for what?
All for being an Equal Opportunity Hugger.
Shouldn’t we want our politicians to reach out to the public? And their staffs? And their buxom interns?
Fact: Affection fosters a feeling of community and closeness. So he’s a hugger! I’m a hugger, too. I can often be found hugging my editors, my waiters and attractive male strangers on the beach. I’m an equal opportunity hugger. I hug the tops of men while running my delicate lady hands over their muscly, tense arms as WELL as their bottom and groin areas (I’m short, so it’s closer, gutter-brain).
I hug while staring deeply into their eyes; I hug while taking their pictures and sending them via Snapchat to my girlfriends, and I hug while I say things like, “Thaddaboy, someone’s been working out!” and, “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll fire you and then cut your dick off… big boy.”
Fact: Hugging for 20 seconds reduces cortisol (the stress hormone). You’re welcome, boys.
So I ask you, is Mayor Filner really the one with the problem? Or is it the close-minded group of people who are afraid to get touched in their place of work? I for one wish I got touched more. Do you know how it feels to be the ONLY one making comments about other people’s appearances? Just once, I want my ass to be slapped when I’m making copies. Must I always be the one to make the first– and only– move in bringing my colleagues closer together?
Fact: Hugging for 2 minutes increases levels of oxytocin (the bonding hormone), thereby increasing TRUST. Ok, it’s only 20 seconds, but more hug, more trust. That’s science. And math. So stop crucifying Filner and Weiner and Spitzer and whoever else is about to exposed as a “pervert” and get on the hug train.
Fact: People that are most resistant to hugs need it the most. So hug, grab and hump away. It’s like I always say, “A hump is just a hug with a different ending. A happy ending.”
***If you’re in the San Diego area and want to see Andel Sudik and The Second City live and in person, go here to get tickets to our brand new show The Good, The Bad & the I-5 running August 6th- September 1st at the La Jolla Playhouse.***
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the national touring company and on the E.T.C. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.