There’s no better way to tap into the emotion of the Olympic Games than with a rousing contrived speech at…
Go grab a gal pal (or twelve!) and get to girling around this summer with our handy-dandy guide!
Sat 01 Learn what shape your face is so you can purchase appropriate sunglasses to lose.
Sun 02 Wrestle with whether or not you can get away with not wearing a bra.
Sat 02, Later Realize you made the wrong decision; buy bra at CVS.
Sat 02, Even Later See a girl pulling off the backless dress look; curse your genetics.
Tues 04 Experiment with white clothes; they just scream summer!
Sat 08 Remember to shave.
Sat 08 – Sept 20 Go to a lot of weddings. Remember not to wear white. Yes, you can pull it off– just not at weddings.
Sun 09 Notice how many homeless people there are in your city; wonder how close you are to being homeless
Sun 09, Later Find solace in the idea that you’re at least 3 mistakes away.
Sun 09, When You Can’t Fall Asleep Resolve to move to the west coast after two more mistakes, just in case. The weather’s better there.
Sat 15 Remember to shave.
Sun16 Get day drunk. Get on a boat.
Mon 17 Apologize for being day drunk. And sinking a boat.
Sat 22 Go to a BBQ; make self-aware jokes about how much you sweat.
Thurs 27, Later Make people touch your armpits to prove that you really are okay with it and it’s totally not a big deal and natural, ha ha ha ha ha.
Fri 28 Remember to shave.
Sat 29 Try a new sport.
Sun 30 Quit a new Sport.
4th of July Get baked then get baked. Obama.
Sat 13 Remember to shave.
Sun 14 Ask your parents what you are, so you can go to appropriate heritage block party.
Sat 20 Have wine and cheese at the beach.
Sun 21 Puke up sand and maroon in your bed.
Sat 27 Go to a dog beach and steal a dog.
Mon 29 Vow that next year, you’ll be bikini ready. Strike that; bathing suit ready. Strike that; you’ll leave the house… ready. Ready.
Sat 10 Decide to be the kind of person that enjoys outdoor festivals. You like fun!
Sat 10, an hour later in a porto potty you spend 45 minutes waiting in line for Clean puke off your shoes, scrub cigarette smell out of everything, realize you didn’t see a single band. Remember outdoor festivals are not fucking worth it. Hide in porto potty until festival ends. You don’t like fun.
Sat 17 Realize summer is almost over, and you’ve hardly done anything! Get ice cream!
Sun 18 Ruminate on the fact that summer is almost over, and you’ve hardly done anything! Get chips and rent movies!
Wed 21 Summer’s almost over; there’s so much you want to do!!!! Pet stolen dog.
Sat 24 God, you love summer so much, and you can feel it slipping awaaaaay.
Sun 25 Stop shaving.
Mon 26 Miss winter. Tell no one.