Tolan is an Emmy Award-winning television screenwriter, director, producer and member of The Harold Ramis Film School advisory board.
Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Hanukkah) is almost upon us. It may not be upon us again for 79,000 years, which got me thinking: Celebrating every holiday on different days is really inefficient.
We could really spice things up by combining holidays that were obviously meant to be celebrated together in the first place.
Mark your calendars for these Thanksgivukkah-inspired holiday mashups!
Newshashana: New Year’s Day + Rosh Hashana
Two New Years? That’s insane. By January 7th, it hits you like a goddamn epiphany that your resolutions ain’t gonna happen, so why not just give in to the Jewish day of judgment? Judge yourself and your failures– and save yourself a week of diet, exercise and trying.
MLG Day: Martin Luther King Day + Groundhog Day
The day where Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow to see whether or not racism will continue for 60 more years. Fingers crossed he doesn’t see his shadow and retreat again.
Easter Fools’ Day: April Fools’ Day + Easter
Upon waking, children excitedly hunt for eggs and candy left by the Easter Bunny– only to find literature about the crucifixion and foot washing instructions left by Jesus.
Mother, May I? Day: May Day + Mother’s Day
This one’s a no-brainer. You wrap colorful ribbons around your mother, parade her circularly before giving her flowers, and then ask her if she’s proud of you– and she’s allowed to tell the truth. Everybody cries. Everybody dances.
America Day: Flag Day + The 4th of July
Yeah, those are currently on two different days.
Real America Day: Columbus Day + Native American Day (South Dakota) + Indigenous People’s Day (California)
These actually are all on the same day. We celebrate the day Columbus discovered the New World, took it from its inhabitants, and then two (TWO) states made a holiday for them that nobody knew about. On this day, everyone insists they are part Native American. So basically, everyone is always celebrating this day.
This Is… Day?: Labor Day + Memorial Day + Veterans Day
This is mostly for convenience because I can’t remember which one is which. But we get them all off of work, right?!
Arbor de los Muertos: Arbor Day + Day of the Dead
We gather with friends and family to pray for the trees that have died.
Sexy Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving + Halloween
Everyone dresses as the sexy version of their favorite Thanksgiving staple (Sexy Turkey, Sexy Indian, Sexy Gravy Boat, etc.). The real fun happens after the traditional Thanksgiving meal when everyone is bloated, tired, and in tiny costumes. Gobble Gobble.
Black Confederate Day: Black Friday + Confederate Memorial Day
There’s no reason for this. You’re welcome and I’m sorry.
X–Boxmas: Boxing Day + Christmas
Instead of dressing as Santa, Dad dresses up like a fox and everyone must hunt him in order to get presents while using British slang, such as “by Jove,” “arse,” “blimey,” “bollocks,” “bugger off,” “codswallop,” “daft,” “dodgy” and “gobsmacked.” Afterwards, everyone retires to their separate quarters to play XBOX.