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Your Super Bowl Survival Guide

By: Andrew Thorp | Jan 28, 2015 Comments

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Whether you know who Russell Wilson is or not, Super Bowl Mania is going to be sweeping the streets, meeting rooms and water coolers near you. If you find swollen-gluted alpha-males in tight pants boring but don’t want to stick out like a deflated football in the hands of a referee, don’t fear: The Second City has your back.

The following tips will help you dodge the incoming pressure of hyper-passionate football fans:

Get To The Gossip

KERRY WASHINGTON

Not everyone likes football, but we all love gossip. Hardcore fans and casual observers alike know all about the soap-opera-like scandals deep within the NFL. If you are in a huddle of co-workers talking touchdowns and you have nothing to offer, put some points on the board and ask what controversies are happening in the league. From affairs to DUIs to DeflateGate, the NFL has lots of dirt to dish.

Who doesn’t want to intercept that?

What Stat, You Say?

If you’re cornered by a “12th Man” telling you why ‘The Legion of Boom’’ is going to win the big one, throw out a couple of questions regarding team of player statistics (and pretend like you care when answered.) Examples include: “Whose offense has more total yards?” or “Which quarterback has the higher completion percentage?” or “What percentage of the team are convicted criminals?” These type of questions make mild fans flee in order to memorize more stats before the big party.

If they do have answers, at least numbers are something you can get behind.

High School Or Bust

If Marge from Accounting monologizes on why Tom Brady is the sexiest quarterback in the history of football, stop her behind the line of scrimmage and say you only watch high school football because it’s the purest form of the game. Even if Marge is a football genius, she will know little about your hometown team and their exploits. And if you don’t either, just make it up!

Be The Half-Time Show Pro

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

Throughout the ages, sweating brutes with bloodstains have paled in comparison to the highly anticipated NFL half-time shows. Mention Prince’s phallic guitar shadows or Janet Jackson’s peeking nip and any football fan will add you to their roster.

Finally, if you read this full article, I peppered in enough football terminology to help you be prepared to dodge the upcoming Super Bowl blitz. Take the quiz below and see if you are ready!

1) Do football players wear tight pants?

2) Is Tom Brady a quarterback?

3) Are some football players criminals?

4) Can footballs be deflated?

If you answered yes to all of these, congrats! Go to that Super Bowl party with pride and get ready to use the techniques above, if all else fails.

Andrew Thorp is a writer, director and performer in Chicago. He is the Marketing Manager at The Second City Training Center – Chicago, teaches Teen/Youth improv, sketch writing and stand-up and produces comedy shows via Thorpedo Productions.

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