Summer Movies Preview: Sequels Edition

Over the weekend, Jurassic World made $500 Million in the worldwide box office and proved two of Hollywood’s oldest adages: 1. People will line up around the block to see a Vincent D’Onofrio movie; and 2. Sequels are where the money is. And that ain’t no jive: All 75 of the top 75 highest grossing opening weekends of all-time is a sequel or adaptation of a popular existing title.

(Except for one based on an obscure book no one’s heard of.)

This trend has been the Hollywood status quo for years. Of the top 50 highest grossing movies since 2010, just five were based on original screenplays. The other 45 were sequels, reboots, board game adaptations, and/or some hybrid thereof. What’s more, of those five originally conceived films, two already have sequels of their own. We at The Second City Network consider this to be proof of Hollywood’s lack of imagination. Because if they were truly creative, they’d find a way to make all movies derivative - a perfect sequeltopia in our own time.

This years crop of Summer Blockbuster sequels, reboots, crossovers, and do-overs represent the best that creatively-bankrupt films can offer: exploitative cash-grabs that willfully tarnish the legacy of their predecessors.

JURASSIC WORLD

What it’s about (probably): Who could forget Jurassic Park? The story of a would-be theme park that’s destroyed by the cloned dinosaurs that were to be its attraction? UNIVERSAL PICTURES, that’s who! Jurassic World picks up right where Jurassic Park left off, if Jurassic Park ended after the first 45 minutes. Instead of the catastrophic failure of the original, the new ‘Park’ is a fully functioning paradise of dinosaur thrills and novelty dinosaur hats - which should please fans of the thrilling world of theme park management.

That is, until a dinosaur manages to (if you can believe this) ESCAPE ITS ENCLOSURE AND RUN AMOK! If only it were possible to see it coming!      

Sequel-ness Rating: There’s something poetic about the money-grubbing revival of a film franchise that ignores the lessons of its predecessor when that film is about the money-grubbing revival of a dinosaur theme park that ignores the (dinosaur-safety) lessons of its predecessor. You know, in case you need an example of dramatic irony for your English Lit class.

RATING: 9 out of 10 Goldblums 

Predicted Sequel: EuroJurassic World. The opening of a Jurassic Park franchise in Paris is threatened when Netflix releases a dinosaur-version of Blackfish. Eventually a T-Rex will attempt to mate with the Eiffel Tower. Will life find a way?!    

(Mosasaurus love their life in unnatural captivity!)

TERMINATOR: GENISYS

What it’s about (probably): This 5th installment of the Terminator franchise sends an evil robot to the past to destroy mankind yet again, presumably to punish us for our ridiculous spelling (or is it spellying?).

And, yet again, our hero is none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger as the good robot. Though the T-800 is still wise-cracking and leather-clad, the 67 year-old muscleman as aged noticeably. Or has at least aged more than one would expect from, say, a cyborg made out of flesh genetically engineered so that it doesn’t age.

(I’ll be back...I have to pee again.)

Sequel-ness Rating: Genisys borrows from J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek one of the vital techniques of modern sequels: time travel the crap outta everything! Rather than continue the story of John and Sarah Connor we know and love by trying to build logically upon it, Genysis just sends back the robots back even further than before - erasing the storylines of Terminator and T2 completely. And if there’s anything sci-fi geeks love more than a needless plot device, it’s a needless plot device that messes with series continuity.

RATING: T-800 out of T-1000.       

Predicted Sequel: Terminator: Revylations - The T-1000 goes back to kill the dinosaurs to prevent the evolution of all mammals on Earth so as to prevent Sarah Connor, and indeed every human that has ever lived, from ever existing. Or something to that effect. It won’t matter so long as those robots are punching each other.       

MAGIC MIKE XXL

(FACT: 70% of all movie titles are thinly veiled penis references.)

What it’s about (probably): The title suggests a few possibilities: either Mike has to gain weight to compete with a plus-sized rival (played by Vince Vaughan) OR there were 29 other Magic Mike movies we all forgot happened. That is, unless the title is some sort of extremely subtle dick joke.

The plot can be better gleaned from the trailer; which sets up Mike, Big Dick, Tarzan, et al coming up with new stripper moves to get ready for some kind of big stripper convention in some beach town. And if they don’t come up with those stripper moves in time, they’ll never get to Regionals! Or something. It doesn’t matter, really. The point is, their shirts are OFF.

Sequel-ness Rating: The apparent lack of Matthew McConaughey in Episode Two of the Magic Mike Saga is troubling, since he was half the reason Episode One worked. Fortunately, the other half is still present - Channing Tatum gyrating around with his shirt off.

RATING: 0 out of 10 Shirts*

*The Shirt Scale is scored like Golf.    

Predicted Sequel: Magic Mike MML - In the year 2050, a 70-year-old Magic Mike is forced out of retirement when invading aliens with an interest in naked male dancing challenge him to a strip-off. Either Mike loses and they enslave the human race or he wins and enslaves the aliens with the power of his chiseled old-man abs. Matthew McConaughey returns to the franchise as Mike’s Spirit Guide.

NED PETRIE is a writer and 4-time Canadian Comedy Award Nominee. He is co-creator of the animated series Erik The Pillager (Mondo Media) and the upcoming series Murder House (Blue Ant Media). Ned is also host of The Panel Show, an upcoming pilot for CBC Radio. If you follow him on Twitter, he’ll give you a MILLION BUCKS! (@NedPetrie)