By Paul Ryan
To Whom It May Concern:
There has been a lot of fear and commotion over recent “activities” in Manhattan Beach, CA, where a recent shark “attack” has left some poor bastard with a few stitches and a cool story. As a lifelong shark, I am thoroughly disgusted by the libelous statements this “victim” is perpetrating in the media, and I’d like to use this opportunity to set the record straight.
First of all, Mr. Steven Robles: who the hell do you think you are? I’m a shark living off the coast of Los Angeles; you’re a realtor. You think I’m hanging out off the coast of L.A. to fill up on bread? I could eat anybody I damn well please. Lizzie Caplan, Taylor Lautner, Vin Diesel, whatever — and that’s just the A-list! Wink Martindate, Amanda Bynes and Flea all go for a dip at some point, and you goddamn well know that I could be there at a moment’s notice for a nightcap if I so please.
Furthermore, how presumptuous! I “locked eyes” with you? You locked eyes with me, motherfucker. I live here. My wife lives here. When your asshole buddies start throwing chum off of the goddamn pier, you can’t pretend to be surprised when a shark brings teeth to a bait fight. (As if everyone’s so-called “bait” is enticing! Frozen shrimp? If I wanted to eat Red Lobster, I’d eat a red lobster.)
Look, I get it. Sharks are “dangerous,” sure, but you can’t act like you don’t love it. Discovery Channel annually dedicates a week to us to let you know how cool we are. Sharknado‘s so popular that you’ve got Jared from Subway eating sharks in Subway:
Hell, the businesspeople of Shark Tank are a hell of a lot more ruthless and bloodthirsty than I’d ever be. (A perpetual 15% royalty? That’s what I call attempted murder!)
In conclusion, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the ocean.