Congratulations to all the 2019 Golden Globe nominees.
After going through a pretty life-changing breakup, I thought that I would never find love again… within the improv community. But then I did, and it’s great. While my bank account is dwindling, my comedy is suffering and my waistline is expanding, I GET TO CELEBRATE VALENTINE’S DAY FOR REAL AND NOT ALONE IN MY ROOM WITH A COPY OF THE BODYGUARD SOUNDTRACK GIFTED TO ME BY MY PARENTS*.
Now that I’m a big-time expert on love, I feel compelled to share a Valentine’s Day guide for improvisers spending this commercialized, exclusionary holiday together. If you’re single and/or dating a Muggle, you can read this, too, but like, what’s the point?
What to Wear
Fellas, button up your favorite plaid shirt and lace up those Converse sneaks and ladies, tighten a pink or red skinny belt around your black dress because sorry, you both have a show.
Where to Dine
Which one of you has a gift card? Otherwise, split a slice of Bacci Pizza.
What to Do
If you can’t see each other’s shows, make sure you go see an improv set together. As they say, the couple that judges other performers’ “moves” together… stays together for a while and then has a very public split and starts dating the roommate/writing partner of the other.
HAHA, what? Moving on!
What to Write in the Card
A line from the first sketch show you guys did together, a quote from 30 Rock, or an inside joke from class. Basically, just make sure it’s sentimental– but funnier than what your partner wrote.
What to Give
For her: A toothbrush, because you have central heating and her radiator sounds like the tin cans on the back of a car marked “Just Married.”
For him: Condoms, because he never fucking buys them. I DON’T CARE THAT I WORK AT GROUPON AND YOU’RE “JUST A DOG WALKER.” WRAP IT UP, ASSHOLE.
How to Say “I Love You”
In a scene on stage using a voice that is not your own, so that you can pass it off as a “choice” if they don’t feel the same way.
How to Sexy Time
Wait, before we go to bed, can we talk about why you didn’t laugh at my pitch in class today? Also, turn off the lights. I’ve only eaten Chipotle for the last three days.
But When In Doubt, Lovebirds…
… Just say “yes, and.” XOXO
*Real thing that happened