Convicted sex offender Brock Turner left jail today after serving just half of his already frightening short six-month prison sentence…
Yeah, we’re talking to you. We’ve been bending over backwards to make you happy, but today is our day. So Happy Employee Appreciation Day… WE QUIT.
Now that Obamacare opened the door, we no longer have to settle for your oppressive leadership just to get that juicy insurance plan. The Affordable Healthcare Act allows unhappy employees to walk out Jerry Maguire-style and still be insured. The shackles are off! Get used to training newbies how to refill the stapler most of your day.
If you need us, we’ll be at that one bar we don’t invite you to– enjoying margaritas while perfecting our impressions of your most annoying traits:
Your Frankenspeak Makes Our Skin Crawl
Please. Stop making sexual references tailored to your business needs. When you rattle off phrases like “Let me sleep on it so we can touch base in the morning and see if we can get them in bed with us,” we’re not sure if we should make a note in Google calendar or call HR.
You’ve Got E-Tude
You may not realize it, but your emails come off passive-aggressive, overly-autocratic and uber-insensitive. We know you have deadlines to meet and numbers to crunch, but remember: you are talking to people with thoughts and feelings outside of the cubicle (waiting for the third season of Game of Thrones to start is toying with our emotions). Maybe take a step back, grab a decaf coffee and re-read your email before telling us to “STOP SCREWING THE POOCH AND NAIL THE JOHNSON ACCOUNT.” (See: Frankenspeak)
Your Micromanaging Makes You a Macro D-Bag
Great, you read “Leadership Secrets of Attila The Hun” and have 50 new ideas on how to “recontextualize some action items.” We will totally get on board– when you stop nitpicking at our phone voices or discontinue the “no-red sock” policy. So, never.
Your Jokes Aren’t That Funny
You probably think the uncomfortable laughter following your one-liner about the blonde getting stuck in an elevator is due to your mastery of stand-up comedy. It’s not. We laugh because you sign the checks, not because of your comic timing. Try taking a class or performing at an open mic to see how people that don’t rely on you financially respond. Heck, it might even help add some pep to your monthly Powerpoint presentation. (You need it.)
Can we still use you as a reference?
–Your (Ex) Humble Servants
Andrew Thorp is a writer, director and performer in Chicago. He is the Marketing Manager at The Second City Training Center – Chicago, teaches Teen/Youth improv, sketch writing and stand-up and produces comedy shows via Thorpedo Productions. He also happens to love his job and his boss.