One night only–ask Mainstage alum Susan Messing your burning comedy questions.
The CTA recently announced that they are going to start to use technology to their advantage in order to reduce the amount of “bus bunching”– a source of frustration and angst for most of its riders. The new system has been hailed as a “gamechanger,” and we’ve come up with a few gamechangers of our own that we think the CTA could incorporate along with their new technological upgrades*.
*Editor’s note: Per Chicago Tribune, “The centerpiece of the new system, however, is the real-time communications link between the CTA control center and every bus driver.” So basically, a walkie-talkie.
The Lava Ball Buzzer
The CTA needs to install small shock devices under the seats so you can text DBAG to the number of the train you’re on with a corresponding seat number to shock the scrotum of the guy who is absolutely *convinced* that he must splay his legs out as wide as possible. Legs akimbo, balls a-zappo.
You snap a picture of young, able persons who are sitting and enjoying a leisurely ride, while elderly people, mothers with young children, people on crutches and preggos–who all clearly look like they would be THRIILLED to have a seat– stand helplessly.
Text your pic to the CTA, then watch it show up on a screen in the car with this message in flashing lights: “WHO RAISED YOU?”
A system where the CTA could communicate real-time information about delays – useful information, like re-routes or shuttle buses or double-digit minute delays. Something better than the mom from Charlie Brown announcing things over a PA system from 1967. You know, like Twitter. Or Facebook… Wait a minute!
Civil servants in Chicago–police officers, firefighters– have to show proof that they live within city limits. Those who want to have a hand in running the CTA should have to prove that they actually RIDE and use the system by turning in the details of their monthly Ventra accounts.
Sure, they can have someone else take the rides– it’s like having your buddies sign your AA sheets when you get a DUI – but at least you have to make an effort to show up once in awhile.
Put back the benches at the bus stops, bitches.
Do you know who rides the bus? Super old people, people carrying a fuck ton of stuff, people who have huge strollers and lots of kids, people who just can’t walk those few extra blocks to the train. This one’s no joke. Who cares if someone ends up taking a little nappers once in a while? The majority of the time they’ll be used when it’s 85 hot, humid-ass degrees out. You still haven’t figured out how to get those busses unbunched, and we’ve had to wait 20 minutes with Gladys.
Gladys, who has never had a driver’s license, lived in the city all her life and has to stand on her tired old bones with her bread and milk from the Jewels. Get your shit together, CTA; let the woman have a seat.