By Zachary Theodore Clemmins-Rouche Activist Social Critic Gamer Internet Personality Frequent YouTube Commenter Gentleman Here we go again First it…
For the remainder of this year’s summer wedding season, you will be forced to deal with several of your high school and college friends deciding that:
A) Marriage before 30 is a good idea.
B) You should stand in front of hundreds of people, in a dress and heels, without a flask in your bra, and pretend that you aren’t going to eat ramen noodles all next winter because you are so broke after all of this.
So which member of the Bridesmaid Dream Team are you? Let’s find out.
You are the bridesmaid that knows how to PARTY!! You aren’t really friends with any of the other bridesmaids. You are more than comfortable giving a speech after crushing that open bar, and your story about the bride’s slutty phase that seemed to peter out about three to four months after she met the groom will not go over well with her father— who just dropped 25K on the wine you are chugging. BUT, you never said you wanted to be the bridesmaid that everyone likes. No, you are the bridesmaid that isn’t afraid to get a little aggressive with that aunt in from Angola when it’s time to catch the bouquet.
Your motto: Your eye ran into my elbow.
While you may end up broke after all said and done, you want to be remembered as the ultimate support player. When the bride goes for that pastel pink bridesmaid dress, you say yes! When the bride gets so drunk at the bachelorette party that she calls her ex-boyfriend, you take the phone from her and tell him he has a small penis. You may not get the respect you deserve for wearing that airbrushed tee that says Bridesmaid #8 or holding up the bride’s dress as she pees, but you don’t worry about that… because seriously, you made everyone else look really, really good.
You are the bridesmaid pick that everyone was a little bit surprised by, and it’s certain that you will fade into oblivion after the wedding. You are totally cool with riding the bench with little to no responsibilities. You will show up to all the major events, clap, smile, and put on a pretty face. But make no mistake: you are really there for the free booze. Years later, the bride will look back on her wedding photos and kind of recognize you, and say, “She was really fun in college.”
You are the bridesmaid that LOVES wearing
a flattop an updo. In a couple of years, people will wonder why anyone would have that hair style, but you will stand strong in your choice. And then 20 years later, when it comes back into style, you will no longer be shamed by those wedding photos. You are also the bridesmaid who takes her heels off as soon as she gets to the reception. Blame it on your knees or how tall you are, doesn’t matter— you’re not about to be uncomfortable.
AKA “The Workhorse.” You understand the job, and you work tirelessly to achieve success. Your speech is precise-but-meaningful. You make all the right moves to set the bride up to look good. You have complete control and know exactly where everyone is on and off the court, except for the Charles Barkley bridesmaid, because for some reason she slipped out of the hotel room and is wandering the streets of Barcelona after drinking the entire open bar. You may get overlooked and never
win a championship get married be a maid of honor, but you will go down in history as one of the best to wear a matching dress.
You are the bridesmaid that ALWAYS delivers. You are consistent. Yes, you are The Mailwoman. The bride wants to take one more tequila shot at the bachelorette party? Yes, and! The bride wants to take that “super funny” picture that looks like the poster of Bridesmaids? Yes, you will play the part of Melissa McCarthy.
Larry Bird/Magic Johnson
You are the seasoned bridesmaid. Yup, you’ve been friends with the bride the longest, and this isn’t your first rodeo. You make think this wedding is a huge mistake, but you know that you are to smile, make a speech that is both funny and sentimental, and keep all the other bridesmaids in check. You aren’t going to make the amateur move of finding the only single groomsman and making out with him on your best friend from high school’s car*.
*Hypothetical situation author has never experienced
The Maid of Honor. You are in an interesting situation, my friend, because the success of the shabby chic bridal shower, the bride’s overall mood on her actual wedding day and whether she looks good in the pictures are all on YOU. You lose, and you are the idiot who eff’d up the easiest gig ever. You win, and… well, that’s what you’re supposed to do. However, you are strategic in your path to greatness. You ensure that the bachelorette party is in some college town that has girls way hotter than the wedding party is, just so everyone realizes hey, we aren’t invincible.
That busted-ass bridesmaid’s dress looks amazing on you. In fact, after the wedding they will retire it and hang it in the reception hall. Your dance moves don’t mimic those of an awkward white girl at her middle school dance. Your mere presence scores you a VIP booth at the bachelorette party. And while you may be the reason that Isaiah Thomas (the bride’s cousin) isn’t in the wedding party, no one seems to care… because you are a GOD and the best thing to happen to the entire wedding sport. You are so amazing at being a bridesmaid that you will actually become the bride— six times!
Becca Taubel has performed with Second City Theatricals aboard the Norwegian Epic and is a current House Co. member. She likes unicorns. USA! USA!