While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
Friendship is like the ocean: it’s sometimes hard to navigate, your closeness with a person can come and go in waves, and “ship” is in the name. Okay, that’s as far as I feel comfortable going with that metaphor, but the point is, socializing can sometimes be tough.
I go through the 7 stages of grief when I have to talk to people at parties. And when I meet someone I’m real jazzed about, I almost get more nervous! It’s like a crush: Do they like me as much as I like them? When they said we should “get coffee sometime,” did they mean it? Oh my God, I can’t believe I ranked my favorite hummuses for them right then.
Just like in a romantic relationship, we often wonder if our gal pal or brosef with the most…ef is “the one,” our BEST FRIEND. It can be hard to tell if a person is a BFFL* or a BTTHL**, so in honor of National Best Friend Day, we’ve created a quiz to help you figure it out. Just think of a person who you think might be your bestie while you answer these important and definitive questions.
1. You and your potential BFF are out to eat. You ______:
A) Order nothing. That way you’re automatically the thinnest.
B) Order a salad. I want them to think I have it together.
C) Order a plate of fries and a beer and a sundae, at which point your friend asks if you’re feeling okay because you’ve never gotten that combo without ordering a burger, too.
2. Your Future Forever Friend is hosting a party at his/her home. You bring _____:
A) Nothing. What? They already have really nice things.
B) A bottle of wine that you CANNOT find at Walgreens. That way they think you’re classy!
C) A bag of chips and a jar of salsa. Then when you get there and see that they’ve laid out a bag of chips and a jar of salsa– and also you’re both wearing a striped shirt so you look like Tweedledee and Tweedledum– it all makes you both giggle.
3. Your Social Soulmate is dating a real moron. You ______:
A) Say nothing. And then sleep with that moron!
B) Turn the sound off on Candy Crush. You want them to think you’re listening!
C) TELL YOUR FRIEND, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO. Also, make fun of their partner’s wardrobe or something physical to make ‘em feel better.
4. You and your buddy are both up for the same promotion or job, and your pal gets it. You _____:
A) Do nothing (except Google “make death look like accident”).
B) Fake a pregnancy scare. This way they think you have bigger fish to fry!
C) Are sincerely happy and excited for them and don’t act like a dick… even if you’re really upset about it.
BONUS Question: Has this friend ever seen you naked?
C) Only partially, but that’s because I felt like I had to take off all my clothes except my bra and thong on New Year’s so I could puke.***
SCORE YOUR ANWERS
Mostly A’s: Hey, this person is definitely not your best friend, and furthermore, you are definitely a sociopath.
Mostly B’s: This person could be your best bud– if you stopped worrying about what they think and started being yourself! But they’re more than likely still weirded out by the time you faked a pregnancy scare, so you might have blown it.
Mostly C’s: Buy those matching bracelets or heart necklaces, cuz y’all’s friends 4 LYFE!! Get ready to ugly cry together, share pints of ice cream, sleep in the same bed in a non-sexual way, and feel real giddy about having this wonderful person who GETS YOU in your life.
*Best Friend For Life
***I did this to my sisters.
Julie Marchiano is an understudy to the The Second City Touring Company and an ensemble member of Go, Improv, Go! at UP Comedy Club. She has lots of best friends, including her family, her boyfriend, her dogs, and Carley Moseley, who writes her postcards from the ocean at deargunner.tumblr.com.