Dear Poor and Indigent of Brazil I write you this letter from a position of great concern upon my Novus…
OMG, GMOs! (Translation: Oh My God, Genetically Modified Organisms!)
The other day, I was finishing off my afternoon cigar when I noticed a man with a sign that said, “GMOs are killing us.” So just like Nancy Drew on Adderall, I decided to investigate until I got to the bottom of this “GMO” business. I took to the internets, and here is what I found.
WTF are GMOs?
GMO stands for Genetically Modified Organism. Most often times, when people use this term, they are referring to food. When you put it like that, it sounds like we are eating radioactive spiders on a daily basis. I just want to know if my stomach will explode if I eat this crap. Wait, what’s that? I’ve been eating them without knowing it for like 20 years? Yup, that’s right. In America, GMOs have been around since 1994. Thanks, hippie friend– for trying to create something for me to be afraid of. My large intestines haven’t fallen out my asshole yet, so… I’ll be fine.
WTF is in my potato?
GMOs are a product of the 90s. The same era that gave us Melrose Place and Zubaz pants has given us genetically modified food. In 1991, probably to settle a drunken St. Patrick’s Day bet, scientists injected potatoes with cholera. The result was a genetically modified potato that– once eaten– forces the human body to create cholera antibodies. Yup, It’s pretty much a French Fry Vaccine*. Yes, you heard right, you can eat a potato instead of being poked with a needle. Sign me up for that shit. If science continues being awesome, at my next barbecue the coleslaw is going to cure AIDS.
*French Fry Vaccine is the name of my McDonald’s-sponsored improv group.
It’s the American Way.
“But GMOs are bad!” you say. I do believe The Fonz said, “If you want to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs. And if you want that omelet to feed a hungry American, that chicken better be hopped up on more steroids than Lou Ferrigno.”
Just like Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and Marion Jones, if we can find a chemical to make us more awesome, then we’re going to use it– even if it shrinks our balls and makes us prone to Hulk-like fits of rage. I’m already pissed that all my food doesn’t come in pill form. Let’s get out of the way of these eggheads so I can have my steak dinner right along side my Flintstones chewables.
Here are a couple examples of the foods these nerds have cooked up:
WTF is in my corn?
Bt-Corn (short for Bacillus thruringiensis): This shizzy is genetically modified to kill insects that try to eat it, but don’t worry. It’s safe for us! Beat that, fly swatter. The only downside is that the corn is killing monarch butterflies or some shit. I mean, I loved The Very Hungry Caterpillar as much as the next guy, but Monarchs are totally the lamest butterfly. And they taste way worse than corn.
And my rice?
Golden rice. I mean, just listen to that name. Golden rice. If there is a way for me to ingest gold, I’m going to do it. That’s why when I got my stomach pumped during my freshman year of college, the nurses started sifting my stomach contents for Goldschläger flakes. Apparently, golden rice has more nutrients than regular rice, and since half the world lives on one cup of rice a day… this one’s a winner, hippies.
It all comes down to head transplants.
If we can swap a man’s head with a new body, then why can’t I have some sweet corn that is also an insect repellant? I don’t know about you guys, but I plan on swapping my body out for a new one every 70 years or so. I plan on living forever, so I’ll let you know how this whole GMO thing turns out.
All you liberal bastards, stop crying into your vegan tissues.
John Thibodeaux performs as an understudy to the Second City Touring Company and can be seen at The iO Theater with Coup de Grace, as well as all over town with his buddies in 3Peat. Check out the pilot he co-created here.