While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
Trying to make it out there in the Big Scary World (read: the Starbucks hierarchy) can be tough, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel good while climbing up the ladder. Here are 9 ways to look and feel glamorous on your laughable salary.
Instagram. It. All.
That sad bar you sit at by yourself on Tuesday (and let’s be honest, Monday and Wednesday) nights will look a lot more vibrant and “cinematic” instead of “lonely as hell” when you apply the Hefe filter.
Make interesting clothing choices.
Take that clearance rack dress you got for $6.97 at Old Navy (Who cares that it lacks any structure? Or has elastic instead of actual cuffs?) and pair it with a hat you got from Goodwill and that ugly necklace your Great Aunt Virginia gave you. If Chloe Sevigny did it, they’d call her chic. You can be chic, too.
Watch YouTube tutorials.
Why pay up to $40 for a fancy spa manicure when you could just watch one of the many YouTube tutorials teaching you how to han- paint leopard print on your nails? It only took me 3 hours, and my nails look like a dog threw up on them, but hey, it’s free.
Wear sunglasses. Inside.
When I think “GLAMOUR,” one of the first images that comes to mind is sunglasses, amirite? You can find an amazingly funky pair of sunglasses at Forever 21 for under $6, and wearing them indoors automatically says, “My future’s so bright…I gotta wear shades. Inside.” At the very least, they just conceal your puffy hangover face from the world.
Don’t get online until late. Like, after 4pm.
The Glamorous People are night owls. They stay out all night partying and Instagramming rubbing elbows with people with leopard-print nails. So yeah, sleep in till 2pm, and then check into that hot brunch spot on Facebook, but in reality, guzzle $3.99 champagne outside the Dunkin’ Donuts next to the hot brunch spot.
Don’t save any money.
You have $34 left in your bank account, and pay day is still 3 days away. You should put money on your CTA card and get some bread and peanut butter to get you through the week…or, you could that funky pair of t-strap sandals in the window at Akira. I NEEDED THEM! Plus, only eating what you can find in your house is basically like doing a cleanse, but instead of lemons and pepper, you are cleansing out on cans of beans and old popsicles.
Take advantage of money-saving opportunities.
$1 PBRs will always trump $14 cocktails at some swanky rooftop bar downtown made by a guy with an old-timey moustache… and remember, the drunker you are– the more glamorous you will feel. Use alcohol to help you forget that you are 28 and depend on those birthday checks from Nana to pay rent.
Use the shit out of Uber.
Nothing makes me feel more glamorous then pushing a button on my phone and having my own personal car coming to my door and picking me up and then driving my through the Taco Bell drive-thru.
Not all the time, just when it matters. You’ve been working so hard to prove to the world that you aren’t a poor sad sack, so sometimes it’s okay to embellish. Say, “Today I had a Me Day!” which in reality means, “Today I sat on my couch, got high and watched Orange is the New Black…for the second time.”
Glamour is in the eye of the beholder.
Emily Walker has performed in numerous sketch and improv shows all over. She was a part of The Second City Training Center’s House Ensemble, with whom she performed Six Degrees of Desperation and has performed for The Second City on NCL cruise ships. She is currently is a member of their Touring Company and performs regularly with Second City’s Improv All- Stars. She and Chelsea Devantez are the creators of “Modern Women” and “Stupid Bitch Syndrome.”