While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive…
Just because today is Chicago’s first-ever Independent Bookstore Day doesn’t mean you have to let summer reading bog you down. Throw some dogs on the grill (once Polar Vortex 3 lets up), toss some beers in the fridge (once you’re over last night’s hangover) and enjoy these iconic pieces of literature without even flipping a page.
We get the gist from the covers.
Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
In what many critics have heralded as “The story Animal Farm could have been,” White thrusts his reader head-first into this high-octane psycho thriller. What happens when the young, bleary-eyed Charlotte gets roped into a drug smuggling ring headed by a loud-mouthed goose and a cross-eyed sheep? And what’s up with that spider? Armed with nothing but her wits– and a pig whose anus has been loaded with cocaine– Charlotte learns all too quickly that crime never pays, and the truth can be poison.
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
It’s Demi Moore like you’ve never seen her! The award-winning actress bares her sultry soul in this tell-all memoir, dishing the deets on her break-up with Bruce, her relationship with Ashton, and that time she kidnapped a cherub from the Renaissance Fair.
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
In this oft-overlooked prequel to Fievel Goes West, Steinbeck introduces his reader to a lovable farmer who lives in a forest made of Play-Doh. Our protagonist’s quiet life is interrupted when Fievel stumbles into his home, drunk and covered in horse blood. Will the farmer help Fievel right his wrongs? Or will the spooky giant who stalks the farmer and haunts his waking nightmares get in the way? Animals, people, farms—this one has it all!
Hard Choices by Hillary Clinton
Power suit, or leisure suit? Cut this mullet, or let this mullet live its dreams? Y’all, it’s time those Hard Choices were made easy– with the power of mind reading! With the dead, lifeless shark eyes that made her America’s sweetheart, Clinton’s much-anticipated guide to telekinesis does not disappoint. Cursive letters! Big white letters! This book spares no expense! Dive in, take notes, and enjoy your journey towards becoming a sepia-toned mind reader!
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
In her stunning autobiography, Lisa Frank (née Madeleine L’Engle) provides the reader a glimpse into the dark, acid trip of a childhood that would inspire the pencil cases and Trapper Keepers of a generation. At once brutal and uplifting, the author touchingly details her relationship with her two adopted siblings, her father’s complex involvement with the League of Winged Horse People, and the disembodied wizard head she found on her porch one fateful summer evening.
The Odyssey by Homer
A simple fishing trip goes so wrong, it’s right! Enjoy this coming of age tale that follows the not-so-likely friendship between a young sailor and a colossal, rapidly oxidizing copper bust of Poseidon. When a Depression-era dust storm threatens their otherwise peaceful way of life, the two friends will have to rely on each other if they want to truly weather the storm. One thing’s for sure— the ocean is terrifying!
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
These are just some of the words you’ll find embedded in the most recent list of acceptable Boggle words, as penned by board game enthusiast and generic white male, John Green. Narrated by two clouds, this text is part guide, part scathing criticism of the shortcomings in the celebrity Boggle circuit, and a must-own for the professional and amateur gamer alike.