In the year 2017, a champion arose from the hardships of privilege…
Thereʼs been plenty of advice offered up on this site for the Under-30 set. Die now, live later, you say? That might be all fine and dandy, but what about the rest of us? Those sad saps who were born before 1983? Whether you like it or not, here are the hard and fast truths about aging that you need to face right now. If you are doing– or are about to do– any of the following, STOP IMMEDIATELY. You are too old, my friend.
Attend a Music Festival That Involves Camping/Swedish Electronica/Side Braids
You saw all those awesome Instagrams your friends posted from SXSW. Youʼre pumped for this summerʼs Lolla lineup. Coachella is just a few weeks away… maybe youʼll try to figure out a way to get there? NO YOU WONʼT. Itʼs crowded. Itʼs sweaty. The foot- pump-y hand washing stations outside the porta potties are always out of non-potable water. Admit that a nice brunch with good friends sounds a hell of a lot better way to spend a weekend.
Apply to Medical School
Remember that one time you so knew you had blepharitis? For years, your superior symptom-Googling gave you a certain… I dunno, air of medical quasi-authority. Donʼt pretend like applying to medical school never crossed your mind… because you still had time to consider a career change. So letʼs see. If you start now, you should be a full- fledged M.D. when youʼre about 47 or so. Or maybe marketingʼs not so bad, after all.
Get a Nose Job
Speaking of doctors…. Elective plastic surgery is only fun to fantasize about until a certain age. Then you have kids, and the thought of risking something going wrong for a smaller bump doesnʼt seem (as) worth it. Youʼre just going to just have to be satisfied with the mocked up “before and after” photo you got at that appointment you had a few years ago when you were really, really worried about that potentially deviated septum. On the bright side, once the kids get married, the window opens again– and you can get a whole new face, if youʼve invested your funds wisely.
Flirt with Guys Who Look Like Johnny Depp
Let me save you on this one. Hereʼs what you donʼt want to have happen:
(breathy whisper, to dirty-hot barista)
Wow. You look just like Johnny Depp.
Thank you, maʼam.
￼￼￼Also, donʼt forget the part where “You” are 9 1/2 months pregnant and are literally out of breath from the human in your gullet sitting on your lungs.
Change Your name to Samantha
If youʼve been holding on to this dream past the age of nine and/or the cancellation of Gimme a Break!, weʼve really gotta talk. Unless your name right now is Arnold, Ralph or Joshua, in which case, I totally support you and want you to know I just want you to be happy. Everyone deserves to live their all of dreams. Mostly.
Liz Kozak (Editor) is a writer in Chicago who would take commas and hyphens over cake and ice cream any day. She also contributes regularly at The Huffington Post and blogs about stuff at poseypieproductions.com. Follow Liz: @LizKoz