By Paul Ryan
Alright guys, I think we’re going to need to have a talk. I know this may SOUND a little hypocritical coming from me, but the hammer in Super Smash Bros. is simply too strong a weapon. Since we’re playing in my house under my rules, I have no choice but to go nuclear and remove it from our games immediately.
When we first all started playing Super Smash Bros. together, I was having a fantastic time. I think we can all agree, I was practically unstoppable on any course with any character, despite my lack of ability. Sure, some of you guys may be better at this game than me and get me on the ropes, but then I would find a hammer and just go to town knocking all of you guys out.
Those games were so insanely fun because no matter how bad it looked for me, I would immediately grab that hammer and just swing away in order to keep myself on top, and for that, I’ll always be really grateful that we played with the hammer for so long.
However, now that I no longer need it to win every match, I see now how harmful the hammer truly is to the integrity of Smash Bros. After all, shouldn’t the point of the game be about how good you are? Shouldn’t we be spending our time focusing on getting better and not just using this as an easy solution to make up for our own shortcomings? How can we do any of those things if you guys are using such a powerful weapon the second things get tough?
Don’t act all high and mighty about it, either! As I recall, YOU were the ones who turned off hammers that one time just because I beat you with them 79 consecutive times. Well, now that I see how you guys were so willing to cravenly use one against me, I gotta say, I’m right to take them away from you.
Ultimately, this is going to make our games better and work how they’re supposed to. We’ll get a better Super Smash Bros. out of it, and honestly, fuck you guys. Don’t even try to filibuster. This is what happens when you play Nintendo 64 in my house.
Wen Powers (@WenzlerPowers) is a Chicago based comedy writer.