“Yes we can date. Yes we did date. Yes we can now date other people.”
Since 1886, the Statue of Liberty has been a symbol of America’s identity as a nation of immigrants. A place where refugees fleeing persecution or striving for a better life could come and live freely. Yet, as Donald Trump fights the courts to pass his immigration ban, our status as a sanctuary nation becomes as precarious as the future of “The Apprentice.”
However, America is a place of second chances. A nation where a bankrupt reality star can become president, so why can’t Lady Liberty reinvent herself? If she won’t be welcoming those huddled masses yearning to breathe free, she’ll need new ways to fill her time. Here are 6 new uses for the Statue of Liberty, should the immigration ban become the law–and attitude–of the land.
A beam in the US-Mexico wall
The Department of Homeland Security estimates that the border wall will cost about $21.6 billion, almost twice the $12 billion price tag Trump touted during the campaign. The government can save a ton by repurposing Lady Liberty into a wall beam while dealing a heavy dose of irony to those trying to cross the border.
Melt her down into 12 million copper pennies
That comes out to about $120,000, which Trump can put toward the aforementioned wall. Or buy 4,000 Ivanka Trump blouses from the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx.
Stand-in for Melania at state events
Melania has been somewhat amiss in upholding traditional First Lady duties, like scheduling White House tours and the Easter Egg Roll. Let Lady Liberty take over! Since her mouth is welded shut, she’ll be the one member of Trump’s team who is literally unable to say anything stupid on camera.
Ninth Supreme Court Justice
Not only will she get more Democratic support than Gorsuch, she’s already got a robe!
Hold up the Oroville Dam
We have some dire infrastructure needs that are long overdue, and until we have a long-term, salient plan in place, someone needs to step up and support that eroding spillway, since there’s no guarantee California Governor Jerry Brown can count on getting emergency assistance from the White House.
A gift for Vladimir Putin
Because Trump hasn’t fully reciprocated Putin’s gift: handing him the U.S. election.
Liz Reuss is a Chicago-based writer and actor. Follow her @liz_reuss.