Congratulations to all the 2019 Golden Globe nominees.
Halloween season can make us all a little more jumpy than usual, yet you just can’t help noticing the similarities between some of your creepy coworkers and actual horror movie villains.
Are these guys even human? Barely.
The Headless Horseman
He’s an arrogant bully without an original thought in his head. He lurks. And lurks. And then makes a surprise appearance and steals your ideas, taking credit for them later without remorse. There’s no point in standing up to him, because you’ve seen others try…only to suspiciously disappear.
He’s hairy. Very hairy: beard, man bun, and likely more hair hidden under the flannel shirt he always wears, even in summer, when he alternates it with a RompHim. He’s ceaselessly distracted, either by maintaining his hipster image or staring at his phone. Is he logging craft beer notes on his Untappd app? Or is he rearranging his social schedule to accommodate the next full moon? Is he waiting outside a mysterious door at night for the limited release of his favorite imperial stout? Or for the distribution of serum that keeps the painful monthly transformations at bay?
This man is so suave, seductive and mysterious that he can get away with anything, even an unironically popped collar. He’s charismatic and has a legendary reputation for partying all night. This stoic bad boy has everyone in the office under his spell. But does he skip lunch to work out, like he claims, or does he find normal food less satisfying than the taste of fresh blood? Just in case, stock up on a season’s worth of cool scarves to cover your neck at work.
He’s your not-so-secret admirer. This creep finds endless hours to stare at you and be proactively helpful. You know your position at work is lowly enough not to warrant the attention of a brown-nosing fan, so he *has* to have some ulterior motive. He’s just a little too eager, AND he’s also making you look bad because he’s so overly industrious.
Not an actual creepo: In 1974, Second City alum Peter Boyle played The Monster to Gene Wilder’s Dr. Frankenstein in the Mel Brooks classic, ‘Young Frankenstein.’
This guy is the token office slacker. He doesn’t say much, which is refreshing, but he also doesn’t work much. When he does, he’s liable to mess things up, big time. But because he’s the son of the CEO, any minor achievement is lauded and seen as a masterpiece worthy of a celebration. He has truly set the bar low for himself. And what is with his drama during the annual fire drills?
Okay, technically, he’s not your coworker. He’s your boss. He’s everyone’s boss. The worst movie monster of them all, this serial sexual predator with a crack legal team can play mind games more masterfully than Hannibal Lecter. He’s angry. Domineering. And he’s perfected his routines to get you alone, silencing you with the threats of retaliation and career doom. He’s relentless in making the work environment a living hell, and he has a robust network of minions lacking conscience. Arm yourself with a recorder, never let your guard down, and start sending your resume elsewhere.