Weight Loss Secrets (Everyone Knows But You)

You can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Those electric heaters on the L platforms have finally stopped even attempting to work, which means it’s time to dump the winter weight.

If you’re like me, then you use winter as an excuse for anything from canceling your gym membership to cry-eating pizza in a lukewarm bath. Below are 6 crazy-easy weight loss tips to help you get from FLAB to FAB in time for the ice to melt on Lake Michigan (August).

Rule #1: You Are What You Eat

According to fitness experts, half the battle of losing the pudgy-pudge is rooted in what you shove into your luscious little mouth. So, if you want to be beautiful, you have to eat beautiful things.

• Don’t Eat: Buffalo wings. You’ll be heavy on top, slim on the bottom, and will only cost 25 cents.
• Don’t Eat: Fast food burgers, unless you want to be wider than you are tall.
• Do Eat: Green beans! You’ll be long and slim with dainty feet and an Aztecan-like pointy head.
• Do Eat: Carrots! You’ll score the perfect beach bod: tall and thin with unnaturally orange skin.

Rule #2: Find a Diet & Commit to It 

How do you beat the urge to eat things that taste good and replace them with things that don’t? Easy—try a fad diet! Bored people across the country are spicing up their lives with the help of diets like Atkins (low carbs, high protein), WeightWatchers (counting food “points”) and SnakeBlock (a poisonous snake is let loose in the fridge).

Motto to Live By: No more snacking when you have snakes!

Rule #3: Water

Scientists say that ¾ of the human body is made up of water. If that’s true, then that means if you stop drinking water, you will literally lose ¾ of your body weight.

Pro Tip: If you’re having trouble committing to losing water, then try stranding yourself on a desert island or contracting Ebola.

Rule #4: It’s What’s on the Inside That Matters  

If you really want to commit to your summertime weight loss plan, it’s time to take stock of your organs. Do you still have two kidneys? Congratulations! You only need one. And your appendix? All that sucker seems to do is burst. Tonsils? Once you’re past the age where you can skip school for “strep throat,” they are useless to you! Those three organs alone probably equal 30 pounds, and you get to use the money you’ll earn on the black market to buy yourself a belly button ring!

Rule #5: Get Ripped Like You’re Getting Revenge

In the iconic 2002 Jennifer Lopez revenge flick Enough, J. Lo has to get revenge on her abusive husband and gets fucking BUFF to do so. Work out like you have a dead parent to avenge, or like a pregnant bride who was shot by her baby-daddy on her wedding day. Different movies, same results: super hot, angry bodies.

 Rule #6: Healthy Diet and Exercise

If all else fails, the classic method of combining healthy eating with exercise seems to work. After all, that’s what I did, and this is me*:

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.