Erika Lindquist is a comedian and writer from Boston who has studied at The Second City Training Center.
Hi there…I’m Alabama governor Robert Bentley, and the federal government says that whether we like it or not, a lot of you refugees are going to be living down here in our sweet home state soon. And we know y’all might not feel too comfy here in the Heart of Dixie—after all, you’re mostly widows and orphans seeking safety from your war-torn homeland who may have a difficult time adapting to the cultural differences. But we want you to know WE’RE PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE HAVING YOU HERE. So we created this theme park to welcome you! Let me point out some of its top attractions:
It’s a Small Ride Back to Syria After All
Take a leisurely boat ride through a miniature world filled with all the wonderful things about Syria while tiny animatronic children sing the same uplifting song over and over and over! It’s hypnotic! You’ll be so homesick, you won’t want to wait one more second to go back!
*Free one-way trips back to Syria will be given to everyone who wants one at the end of the ride. No questions asked!
Jungle Cruise with Jesus
Explore exotic wildlife along the banks of our own little Sea of Galilea. With Jesus as your captain, you won’t miss a single hippo or alligator along the way. You might even get baptized by Tuskegee, our own holy water-spraying elephant! Every cruise includes a handshake with Captain Jesus, juuuuuust so we can make sure he gets his hands on you.
The Hall of Folks Who Own Guns Just in Case You Wanna Start Somethin’
Plan plenty of time for this attraction. The great hall includes almost every single current and past resident* of Alabama.
*Sorry, no Channing Tatum.
The Bomber Bumper Cars
Need to blow off a little steam? Jump in one of our miniature Toyota trucks with simulated explosives on the side, and mix it up with other riders! Have fun in total safety…knowing your entrance, exit and every move on the ride is monitored by our heavily armed, government-appointed ride operators. They even know what you’re up to after you leave the park!
The All A-Waterboard Log Flume Ride
You’ve seen the “other” log flume rides, but have you ever ridden one strapped to the BOTTOM OF THE LOG? We’ll tie you down tight *and* put a plastic bag over your head so you won’t drown…but you’ll FEEL like you are! You’ll be so excited when this ride ends that you’ll happily confess to anything!
The Un-Haunted by 72 Virgins Tower
Ride up the haunted elevator as the ghosts of jihadis who regret a lot of their life choices float around you! Hmm, doesn’t look like they made it to heaven, does it? And I sure don’t see 72 virgins hanging out with them. Good to know, right? Right!
The Spinning Teacups of Cultural Appropriation
Soak in all the wonderful cultural changes you’re facing as they swirl around you! Chili dogs! Shopping malls! Golden Globe winner Lady Gaga! Duck Dynasty! Why, it’s enough to induce extreme nausea! Makes you want to go back home, doesn’t it?
The Mystery Mosque
This attraction is permanently closed. Actually, we never let it open.
The Relocation Roller Coaster
Our prized thrill ride will take you on highs and lows you’ve probably already experienced—and will continue to experience—in our lovely state for the rest of your lives. The high of being out of a war zone, the low of being away from everything you know; the high of your first deep-fried Twinkie, the low of realizing you just ate a deep fried Twinkie. You’ll coast back into the station along a hundred yards of track lined with people silently judging you. Boy, that’ll make your heart beat faster!
So be my guest—nay, America’s guest—and come on down to Refugee World! We’d love to have you here, but if you decide to leave the country before (or after) visiting, it’s okay. We’ll understand.