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Things We All Just Want To Forget This Memorial Day

By Dana Angelo | May 22, 2017

Each year, we remember those who fought for our country and lost their lives by having a three-day weekend and celebrating the unofficial beginning of summer. While there’s always plenty to commemorate, there’s even more to forget.

Only five months into 2017, there’s already so much we’d like erased from our brains.

The Super Bowl

Remember when we were all bummed the Patriots managed to turn the game around and beat the Falcons? Oh, you haven’t thought about it in months until now? Sorry. Re-forget it!

The Oscar Debacle

As long as there are Academy Awards, this will never, ever be forgotten, but we can try! While it reminded us normals that celebrities–and Price Waterhouse Cooper–can make mistakes, they shouldn’t. And don’t even get me started on Hidden Fences.

Fidget Spinners

Kids use them! Teachers hate them! There’s stuff about them all over the internet! If you didn’t know what they were to begin with, you’re better off keeping it that way. If you deal with kids on a daily basis, throw them in the garbage.

The fidget spinners, that is.

Fyre Festival

Sure, the majority of us didn’t attend Fyre Festival, let alone even consider purchasing the insanely expensive tickets. But for those Richie Riches who did attend what ended up being a wasteland of despair (instead of a luxury Lollapalooza), we assume they want nothing more than to run a hot bath and let Calgon take them…and their memories of Fyre Festival…away.

Unicorn Frappuccinos

Our taste for food-related fads are fleeting, especially when we realize said food fad tastes like diabetes and trash on the sidewalk during a sanitation workers’ strike in July. Know what’s colorful and won’t kill you? Beet juice, carrot juice and like, literally any other juice from a fruit or vegetable. Let’s all agree to stop doing things solely for the Instagram photo op.

Actually, Anything Unicorn-Related

Once upon a time, Lisa Frank had a monopoly on the colorful, fictional animal market. You couldn’t pass an elementary school without seeing bright Trapper Keepers covered with pandas painting fences, kittens baking cupcakes and rainbow-colored unicorns galloping across a neon galaxy. This was during the 80s and 90s. It’s 2017 now.

What’s with this obsession? Wouldn’t a more apt description for these so-called “unicorn” products be “colorful”? It’s like calling marble rye bread “zebra toast.”

This Thing We Call Reality

Since the election, many Americans have felt like pulling the blankets back over their heads and hoping that if they fall back asleep, they’ll wake up to a much different, less insane world. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Democracy as we know it has been severely threatened, The Handmaid’s Tale is hitting way too close to home, and the Taco Bell near me has apparently stopped making Crunchwrap Supremes. WHAT IS THIS WORLD?

Actually, Just Everything

Forget any happy memories you’ve ever had. We’re living in some dark times now, friend. Does it feel like the world is slowly imploding? Well, it is. And once we’re all obliterated in some not-completely-out-of-the-realm-of-reality Great War, we and everything we care about– yes, even our number of followers on the ‘gram–will cease to exist.

Enjoy your burgers and Bud Light Lime this weekend.
Dana Angelo is a Los Angeles-based writer and drag queen. Catch her performing around town as Kitty Meringue, or follow her here.

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