Mo Polyak got the great news while riding the school bus.
When I was 12 and my sister was 15, we found out she was pregnant. Luckily, she didn’t give birth until she was 16, so she got to be 16 and Pregnant before it became popular. She’s always been a bit of a trendsetter.
I remember walking into my dining room and looking at the silent and intense faces of my parents and my sister. I don’t remember much else, except that 8 or so months later, my sister gave birth, Denise “The Niece” was born, and I had to switch bedrooms.
May is Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month and I don’t mean to be contrary, buuuuut…
Here is why everyone should have a kid while they’re still a teenager.
Teens have more energy than adults and need less sleep.
I know this because I was a teen once, and I could stay up until 5 in the morning and then wake up at 6 am for an all-day softball tournament. Now if I’m up ’til 5 am, good luck seeing me out of bed in the next week. Life is hard; you get tired of living it. Teenagers still have that spark. Take advantage of it and pop one out.
It’s good for the grandparents, too.
They’ll still be young enough to play with your kids. Also they can fix any mistakes they made with you while they’re still fresh in mind(for example: teen pregnancy).
It honors history and supports biology.
Duuuude, in the olden days (like a couple hundred years ago, at least. But less than that in the south and third world countries) if you weren’t knocked up by 14, you were an old maid.
Why do you get your period? Not just so 1/4 of your life is a living bloody hell, it’s to produce offspring. It’s why you’re here. So get it done early, and check it off your biology bucket list. Then by the time you’re 30. your kids’ll be grown and you’ll be able to start your second life where you won’t need maternity leave so the pay gap will close and women will make as much as men. Huzzah, injustice fixed by teen pregnancy.
It will discourage your siblings from making the same mistake.
I didn’t have sex ’til I was well out of high school and the house. Watching your sister be split open by another human is better than abstinence, safe sex and sterilization all rolled into one.
Your siblings get to be aunts and uncles early.
Which in turn lets you off the hook for birthday and Christmas presents for, basically, ever. They’re your gift to the world.
You will save your siblings from pressure to “settle down” and “give us a grandchild.”
You will have a cute kid to say really inappropriate things.
And you’ll still be young enough to appreciate it. There is nothing cuter than a cursing toddler.
You can wear matching clothes with your kid and you won’t look pathetic.
You’ll be “Hot Young Mom,” not “Oh-That’s-Embarrassing-Mom.”
If your religion doesn’t believe in contraception, it is YOUR DUTY to get pregnant and prove how dumb that is.
Still not convinced?
Compare my sister and myself.
The Teen Mom:
- Graduated from UCLA with a degree
- Has a beautiful non-pregnant 16 year-old-daughter
- Married a loving husband
- Had two more sickeningly adorable kids
- Is now 33 year old
- Successfully made it through my teens without becoming preggers
- Can fit everything I own into one suitcase (mostly pictures & biographies of Dame Judi Dench)
- Have a drinking problem and a “career” in “comedy”
- The internet tells me my actual age is 68
So join me as I celebrate UnPrevention every May, which also happens to be when my niece’s birthday is. God, I love irony. And teen pregnancy.
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the National Touring Company and on the e.t.c. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.