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Stop Legalizing Gay Marriage

By The Second City, C.J. Tuor | Jun 30, 2014

Utah, Indiana… two more states to plunge off the equal rights cliff like lefty lemmings.

As #Pride Month comes to a close, it’s time to show a little humility and admit this whole “legalizing gay marriage” thing was a bad idea.

Why don’t we slow down, gather our traditional American family units and look at the 5 reasons why equality should be a passing fad— like pet rocks, or separation of church and state. 

1. It’s Gross and it Doesn’t Make Babies

Whenever I picture same-sex relationships, it makes my stomach queasy, my face blushes, my heart quickens and I hear music. I am not alone in my confusion… disgust! I mean disgust.

America doesn’t want hot man-on-man liberties because it creates an uncomfortable image in our brain. Which is why it’s illegal for Gilbert Gottfried to ever marry.

Worst of all, these Bear bridegrooms and Sapphic spouses’ marital coitus can’t produce offspring.  Matrimony was created solely to make/raise children, just like the Internet was created solely for researchers and scientist to exchange data. 

2. Christians (somewhere) Don’t Want it to Happen

As a Christian, I’m told that Homosexuality makes me very angry, no matter what Elton John says Jesus would say.

I’ve never actually felt this way. I’ve never known a Christian friend or relative who voted against equal rights. I’ve never heard a sermon in my church that spoke on the subject (unless you count “love everyone no matter what”). But as a religious person, I have to take these things on faith.

I have to trust the political leaders, pundits, and millionaire religious speakers who tell me that the Bible is not some a religious book of personal discovery, but rather a legal document that is used to govern a country.

3. States need to be unique

Every state needs to have a hook. Washington has lots of rain, Minnesota has the largest ball of twine, Arkansas likes to suppress the rights of minority groups. It’s something to put on a t-shirt.

Two more states have legalized gay marriage, and that number is climbing… well, not alarmingly fast… but, you know… it’s happening. Listen, Wyoming! Be yourself! Don’t just follow the popular, tolerant kids. 

4. It’s Having No Impact

Once again, about two-fifths of America has legalized same-sex ceremonies, and yet, I don’t hear two-fifths of a “thank you” from the gay community for solving almost half of their problems. 

There’s still equal rights marches, out homosexual celebrities, and entire LGBT Pride month, even the cast of Orange is the New Black parading around in a Gay Pride parade float. We get it. But how many states do we need to give you before you stop producing Sean Hayes sitcoms? 

It’s almost as if they are doing these things to celebrate and be comfortable with themselves, but we know they just happen to annoy us because everything is about us. That’s what privilege means!

5. Tolerance is Too Easy

Sure, if you look at history, every time a minority group has demanded their God-given rights, it turned out to be the right thing to do. 

But— if you are taking a quiz, and you’ve answered “C” 3 times in a row, you’re going to be skeptical to answer “C” again. Surely, it can’t be the same answer over and over again?

That’s why we can’t support loving couples; that’s why we should discriminate based on sexual orientation; that’s why the law needs to show preference. Because to do otherwise would just be too obvious. 

C.J. Tuor is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory and performs every Saturday night at 9 PM in the DeMaat Theatre with Moxie, A Second City Training Center Ensemble. C.J. also performs at The Annoyance Theatre in Hitch*Cocktails.

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