At Second City, having a blast is mandatory... and so is staying safe.
Update from the editor: Shortly after this article was posted, news broke that *all* of the planned meetups for this weekend have been cancelled due to the leader's concern he cannot "guarantee the safety or privacy" of the tens of dudes who wanted to attend. Please note, there is still no guarantee of privacy or safety for millions of women on a day-to-day basis.
On Saturday, a group of “Men’s Rights activists” (that was the dumbest f*$%ing thing I have ever written in my life) is gathering in support of each other and the struggles they have when dealing with women (and that's the second dumbest f*$%ing thing I have ever written in my life).
This “International Tribal Meetup” is the brainchild of sect leader/Return of Kings blogger/“legal rape” proponent (I might need to re-assess the order of my list of dumbest f*%$ing things I have ever written) Roosh Valizadeh, and the quotes from the dudes who are totally into it make you want to look around the room to see if there is a hidden camera in the potted plant, because this has to be a joke.
But then I thought, “Becca! Valentine's Day is less than two weeks away! What if one of these dudes is the perfect match for you?” I mean, it’s a group of unattached men, after all. So ladies, if you’re on the hunt for a self-proclaimed "pro-rape" bae too, I think we can *all* find a love interest at Saturday’s 165 planned meetings in 43 countries. And here’s why.
They hate women, but love animals!
At 8pm, men are instructed to meet at one of several widely publicized and not-at-all secret locations and ask the cryptic password question: “Do you know where I can find a pet shop?” They are warned, though, not to get confused and actually go to a real pet shop. But, like, the fact that they thought about pets shows that these guys are very sensitive and will be sure to treat you like the female dog they think you are.
***Please, if you are a pet store owner in Chicago near Devon and Sheridan, for the love of all things holy--KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN ON SATURDAY. I can only imagine that these guys are dumb enough wander in, and there’s always the possibility that one who is en route to the right locale might get distracted by a cute puppy in the window.***
They really know how to say what they mean!
The instructions on the group’s website [Editor’s note: we’re not linking to it, because duh] read like a children’s book:
“Meet at pole.”
“Meet at tallest building.”
“Meet at statue.”
“Meet at the fountain in front of the Ferris wheel.”
Do these guys know how to communicate, or what? No game playing here. Just a good old fashioned ride on a Ferris wheel with anyone who’s game-- except for “unattractive women and their enablers,” natch.
They’re sooooo desperate!
Since word has spread and several protests are being planned, the forum is in a “state of emergency.” You know what this means? They’re fragile. Scared little baby birds (like the kind for sale at pet shops). Desperate...for love. Now is the time to pounce on their fearful hearts.
They play hard to get!
The group “vehemently excludes women (if one is nearby, it is acceptable to ‘get her number and then tell her to buzz off).” So what if one one of these gents rejects your invitation for fondue? I mean, if we are going according to their rules, then “no” means “yes,” so I am going to go ahead and start planning the wedding.
They are so BRAVE!
Being a dude is SO scary. The privilege is just too much. But Roosh asks his followers to be brave, to “come out of the shadows and not have to hide behind a computer screen.” For too long, men have had to fear us women. It’s time we cut them some slack. They're entitled to groping us in public, calling us bitches, impregnating us up the wazoo, aren’t they?
So, I’ll see you all at the “pet shop” on Saturday. Meet me there-- but make sure you come fertile, wearing makeup, and with your virginity in tact. Let’s finally give these men exactly what they deserve!
Becca Taubel (@btaubs) is still wondering if this meetup is one big joke, because honestly, this dipshittery is too much to process.