You re probably thinking that Laura Dern is an actress and shouldn t be on the court alongside the NBA…
Remember when we brutally killed a bunch of civilians at random, during a starry night in Paris, or during a busy shopping day in Beirut, or while a bunch of students were at class in Kenya, or Oregon? Remember when we immediately accomplished all of our goals by doing this and won whatever it was we were fighting for and people around the world celebrated us and put us in the history books with the headline, “These awesome dudes WON! (And had huge penises!!)”? Remember how everything after that for us was just, like, champagne poured all over huge titties?
Remember when our horrific, stupid violence made everyone’s lives better? And didn’t result in more rampant persecution and fear of people who look like us, a more crushing panopticon, and more rights being taken away?
Oh! And remember how beheading those people or shooting those students or executing those concert goers made people immediately believe everything we believe and thank us profusely for enlightening them, because clearly we were right all along?
Remember when our first reaction to a huge tragedy was a hot panic because it went against whatever narrative we had been championing about a mostly unrelated issue, like conceal and carry? Remember how we ignored the fact all those people died and instead scrambled to mold the huge, ungainly tragic events into our tiny, petty narrative, mostly by fighting with strangers on Twitter? Remember how we didn’t end up looking like complete unfeeling assholes?
Remember when we succeeded in making everyone behave the way we wanted them to behave and they behaved that way forever?
Remember that war that ended and made the winners’ lives awesome forever?
Remember when we used fictional writings created specifically and solely to control people 1,000 to 2,000 years ago as justification for being a complete, unfettered, violent asshole today? Remember how Cool and Awesome and Badass we looked the entire time?
Remember when we aggressively argued that the victims somehow “had it coming”? As if getting killed at random by a mass shooter or terrorist or violent cop was entirely their fault?
Remember when we ignored that 9-year-old kid who got shot on the South Side, because it wasn’t headline news on CNN since it didn’t perfectly fit any of their hot-button media agendas, and also it seems to happen so often that it’s basically become background noise? And because we need our tragedies BIG and EXCITING and FULL OF ERIN BURNETT LOOKING CONCERNED?
Remember when we decided an entire population was evil based on the actions of a few, because that was easier than admitting nuance?
Remember when we posted that hot take about conceal and carry or why this is all Hitlery Klanton’s fault in the comments section of HuffPo or Delias.com, and everyone on the Internet was like, “OHHHHHHH OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIIIGHHHHT!!” and we basically won the Internet forever and they built statues of us outside of elementary schools?
Remember when we decided we could do and be better?
Remember when Teri Garr was a household name?
Remember Paris. Remember Garissa. Remember Beiruit, Haditha, Kunduz, Mai Lai. Remember Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. Remember Umpqua, Sandy Hook. Remember Remember Eric Garner, Michael Brown, Sandra Bland, Gabby Giffords, Tyshawn Lee.
Try to remember, because we always, always, always seem to forget.