Kelly talks to Harvard professor Leslie John whose research into self-disclosure provides a rich source of insights into how we can better build relationships, foster connection and lead a more purposeful life when we are willing to be vulnerable and share details of our lives with others. 

It’s funny how I’ve made friends for life because I took a chance on telling a perfect stranger something darkly true about myself. 

“To the extent we’re even thinking about the possibility of opening up – which we don’t think about often enough – we don’t consider opening up often enough. But when we do think about whether to say the thing, we often hold back because the number one thing we think about is the risk of revealing. Like, ‘No, I’m going to say too much. It’s going to be cringy. I’m going to ruminate.’ And so, it’s like thinking that you’re never going to see the person again removes that anxiety. It’s interesting though, because once it’s gone, you see it’s actually not so risky at all. And you’ve made something really beautiful.” 

A thing my wife does with a struggling improviser is to tell them to use something true from their life. 

“The beautiful thing about improv that you’re saying is if someone’s struggling, you say start from something from your own life. And you don’t say to them like to find a funny moment – just use something real? It’s like you don’t try to be funny, right? Yeah, yeah, I love it.” 

You have a story in the book that everyone needs to hear, and it concerns someone named Jennifer. 

“There’s a story in the book about Jennifer. And Jennifer, well, I mean, Jennifer’s me. Spoiler alert. The thing is, I was writing the book and I don’t know if you’ve experienced this in your writing, but you realize that behavioral science is informative in many ways, but to bring it to life, you need a story. And I was really lucky that I worked with some really amazing developmental editors, one of whom was a memoir writer. I didn’t intentionally think I needed a memoir writer, but she just clicked and then it was so perfect. Cause she  would keep saying: cut the study, cut the study, cut the study out of story. And now I see that her imprints are all over the book. So as I need a story about something that someone undershared, and then it affected them consequentially. And then I woke up literally in the middle of the night and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is me.’” 

Photo Credit: Janelle Carmela