Is It Truly an NBA “All-Star” Weekend Without Laura Dern?

By The Second City | Feb 12, 2020

By Wen Powers

This weekend in Chicago, basketball fans will descend upon the Windy City to watch the greatest performers square off in the 69thedition of the NBA All-Star Game, to the delight all fans young and old. Or rather, they would, if it wasn’t for the noticeable absence of one of the brightest stars of all, Laura Dern.

It is impossible to believe that a weekend that is supposed to be honoring all of the stars could leave out one such star in Ms. Laura Dern.

You’re probably thinking to yourself that Laura Dern is just an actress and shouldn’t be on the court alongside the NBA’s biggest names. However, if LeBron James can be the best part of Trainwreck, outshining both Amy Schumer and Bill Hader in a comedic supporting role, then you can bet your ass Laura Dern can put up solid numbers in the paint against the likes of Luka Doncic and Giannis Antetokounmpo.

Such a glaring omission has been ignored by all of my colleagues in sports journalism, and I must ask, why? Where are my fellow sports writers outraged over this snub? Stephen A Smith, you say Andre Iguodala deserves to be respected for his career winning three rings with the Warriors, but where is your defense of Dern, who has earned her All-Star status over a 47-year-long career? A woman who worked her way up from a small-time role player to being a series MVP alongside the likes of Witherspoon, Kidman, and Streep. Arguably the Golden State Warriors of HBO limited-series dramas!

Now, some of you are probably thinking that Laura Dern could probably play a role in the celebrity All-Star Game, and some of you should shut your goddamn mouths, because that is for B-level talent, and Laura Dern is an Oscar winner. Show her some respect!

Look, I’m not crazy. I know that Laura Dern is not a suitable starter for an NBA All-Star roster. In fact, Laura Dern particularly shines in a role where she can be the spark a team needs coming off the bench, as we can clearly tell by her scenes in Marriage Story and The Last Jedi.

Still not convinced? Think that Laura Dern, while obviously a flashy contributor, might not be able to contain a player like Joel Embiid and keep him from getting his buckets? Well, guess what? Neither can Trae Young, and that dude made an All-Star roster, so it looks like your reasoning is on pretty fucking thin ice now, isn’t it?

If the NBA wants to market a game where fans can see the biggest stars face-off head to head, I’m all for it. They just need to remember that Laura Dern is really having a moment right now, and that needs to be acknowledged. Plus, if she’s on the roster, her friend Baby Yoda might show up.

Wen Powers (@wenzlerpowers) is a writer and comedian in Chicago.

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