Good news, psychologically unbalanced comedy fans!
As the literary great Mark Twain once wrote, “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”
Wait, that was Marilyn Monroe.
Whoever said it, it’s true. And it’s even more true when it comes to wearing high heels on stage. Worried you’ll be at a disadvantage in your non-Chuck Taylored feet?
This is how you rock it.
Pick a Heel (Within Reason)
When I say “heels,” you’re probably imagining those Lady Gaga-Alexander McQueen-lobster claw shoes. Those are ridiculous/fabulous and so expensive we all could pool together our GrubHub salaries and still come up short.
I’m talking about something you can pick up at DSW with your $5 birthday certificate. (If you’re not a member of DSW Rewards, stop reading now and go sign up.)
You’re not Lady Gaga. You’re a lady who needs a bit of flair added to her show outfit. So pick a heel that makes logical sense to you. Scared of towering stilettos? Try a delicate kitten heel, only an inch and a half high. Can’t balance on a pencil-thin pump? Try a wedge or cone heel, a shoe with a sturdier base. Pick what makes you feel cute and comfortable. Comfortable heels exist.
Add Some Spice
Ladies, we’ve all seen standard Second City Improv Outfit in “Woman.” We’ve all worn it. If you haven’t, let me break it down for you: black dress, black tights, black cardigan, black flats and maybe, just maybe– if your Writing 6 director decreed it– a skinny belt in a solid color!
This is all well and good, but it’s just an outfit. It’s not a look unless you have that something special to make you stand out.
A simple pair of heels in a bright color or fun pattern can be the “pop of color” we hear so much about. Imagine walking out on that monochrome deMaat stage in fierce blue heels or channeling Minnie Mouse with some festive yellow pumps! Minnie managed to marry Mickey, mix up macaroni and mambo with the Mouseketeers in a pair of heels.
You can play a game of Freeze Tag.
Strap Yourself In
By now, you’re standing in DSW staring down a wall of heels. How can you make the sartorial Sophie’s Choice that awaits you?
Pick a pair with an ankle strap. What? Yes. Do it. Pick a pair with an ankle strap or a Mary Jane or better yet, an ankle boot. Why? Security.
Have you ever seen a show where a performer starts rolling around on the ground or runs across the stage and their shoe comes off? Would not have happened if their shoes had an ankle strap.
Practice Makes Perfect (Strut)
And by now, you’re reading this article on your smartphone, clutching a pair of red wedges, and pretending to put on one of those gross nylon try-on footies while the store employee watches when your brain drifts to that GIF of the little girl falling over in her mom’s heels, or that GIF of the model twisting her ankle in stilettos or that GIF– why are there so many GIFs of high heel accidents?
Calm down. Put on the heels. Walk up and down the aisles a few times. Pretend to be Naomi Campbell or RuPaul or Jared Leto. Do you feel secure? Stable? Sexy? Then lay down your mama’s credit card, because you’re still paying off that black dress/black cardigan combo you splurged on last week. (After all, you’ll be wearing it for years and years and years.)
It may be tempting to break out those heels right away at that big audition or showcase, but practice in the safety of your own home first. Walk around your house and get acclimated so you don’t bite it when you ask for a suggestion.
Be Womanly (If You Want)
My favorite part about wearing heels on stage is that it reminds the audience that you’re a woman. Admittedly, wearing heels is a pretty basic way to show your womanhood, but it’s a simple and cheap one that doesn’t require a pelvic exam.
In the wise words of (one of) Don Draper’s (infinite) mistress, Bobbie Barrett, “No one will tell you this, but you can’t be a man. Don’t even try. Be a woman. It’s powerful business, when done correctly.”
Women’s bodies are different; the way we see the world is different. We have a unique comedic point of view just based on the fact that society demands we wear dresses and make-up and heels.
Why not strap on the things that are meant to turn us into docile sexpots and be rowdy and powerful and impossible to ignore on stage instead?