Slay, Lady Santa, slay.
Improvisers know a lot about hotels: Touring gigs, being thrown out of a girlfriend’s apartment, traveling back to your hometown after your parents sell the house you grew up in because your memories mean nothing to them.
These are just a few examples of our glamorous, check-out-by-11 lifestyle. Want to get the most bang for your buck? Here are 7 ways to maximize the value of your hotel stay.
All hotels have TV, and whether it’s a six-channel tube TV that’s been galvanized to the top of a dresser or a classy flat screen with free HBO, you’ll want to turn that sucker on the minute you get in and then never turn it off again.
Don’t sleep at all if possible. Watch whatever you can find. Infomercials at 4 a.m.? That’s research, baby! That salesman character you’re going to start working on is your ticket to the e.t.c, SNL or an actual informercial gig!
Not only does free soap give you a great incentive to up your shower quotient from twice-weekly to twice-daily, they’re a great way to bring home some extra value. Bottles are gone? Housekeeping just figures you must have run out and thrown it away. Little do they know that after every single shower you’re squirreling those babies away. You can use them to finally wash that disgusting plaid shirt you’re always wearing. You’ll be clean enough to be mistaken for a musician.
Bathrobes, towels and slippers. There’s no rule saying you’re only allowed to wear them in the room, right? Wear that shit out on the town. Get to work on a Vine-based, ultra-mini web series called “Terrycloth Jedi at a Bar.” Then you can get in on some of that sweet Vine money. This hotel room just paid for itself!
The Not-Free Mini-Bar
If you’re in a classy joint, then you can assume the machine has a weight sensor and charges you whenever an item is removed. This is a perfect time to put that object work class you took three years ago to work. A true improv master will be able to fool the sensors by perfectly harmonizing movement with the weight of a Toblerone. Legend has it that Rachael Mason used this technique to avoid cooking for herself for almost a decade.
They don’t charge you for the heat?! Crank that bitch to Maximum, no matter what the season. You’ll feel like you’re spending money, which should be a new and exciting sensation, and the sauna-like atmosphere could help you shed a few pounds– which, let’s be honest, probably isn’t a bad idea. No one really ever works up a sweat during freeze tag.
An Actual Phone
With a handset and everything! What a great opportunity to practice for when you inevitably end up working at a call center to pay for that $600 workshop you’re dying to take. The unlisted number also creates a fantastic opportunity to make some crank calls—and could be your ticket to fame! It worked for The Jerky Boys. Those cool cats rode that wave straight to the top, and now they’re Hollywood A-Listers.
Free Lightbulbs & Hangers
You can never have enough of these bad boys, right? Most places don’t have a specific policy, so cram that knapsack full of low watt gold and twisted wire goodness. The hangers are a perfect way to make your own wire puppets and finally start the puppet improv group that does scenes inspired by The Wire that you thought of one that one time when you were definitely not high, and your six roommates will love you for bringing back lightbulbs… the closest thing to groceries anyone’s brought home since the first week of the lease.
Free Your Bodily Fluids
We’ve all been traumatized by those TV exposés that point black lights at hotel carpets and sheets to reveal decades’ worth of blood and semen. Well, how do you think that stuff gets there? As a hotel guest, you’re expected to spill roughly a pint of yourself around the room in case you become famous later. It’s the hotel equivalent of the backstage area in the DeMaat Theater. Remember, life is fleeting, but your D.N.A. can last until they rip out the wall-to-wall.
Sam Roos has preformed with BoatCo (NCL Breakaway) as well as HouseCo (“El is for Love”). He’s a graduate of the Second City Conservatory and Comedy Studies Program. Find out more about him at his website, checking out his two-person sketch group EVIL on Facebook or by following him on twitter @Roostafarian.