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Improv Characters You Need to Retire

By Ashley Nicole Black | May 14, 2014

Well, it’s the end of the season. Some of our characters can no longer play the game like they used to, and it’s time to retire a few jerseys to the rafters. Let’s all say goodbye to those improv characters who should NEVER play a game again.

Kelli! The Girl with No Idea What’s Going On in This Scene (But Really Likes to Flirt)

What? What is this list about? What’s going on here? Giggle. Did you just ask me a question that anyone working in this fictional amusement park we’ve created would know the answer to?Because I’ve chosen not to know the answer to it. 

Kill yourself, Kelli. You are the worst. Remember your improv teacher who told you to play to the top of your intelligence? That doesn’t mean all of your characters have to be Rhodes Scholars (Which road? OHMYGAWD! Where are we going?). But it does mean that your character should know what is happening in the scene she is in. Because the audience knows. And they’re not that smart. 

See also: Really old person who somehow doesn’t know what the internet is. Old people don’t live under rocks! They have to get their porn from somewhere. 

The “Woman, Get Me A Sandwich!” Guy

Woman! Get me a sandwich! And then let me interrupt you every time you try to talk in this scene! It’s funny because I’m playing a character who’s a misogynist. Fart joke! Comment about your ass! #nofatties! 

Self explanatory. Improv is not the place to get away with things you wouldn’t have the balls to say in real life…. okay, it is. But prepare to deal with the consequences (the consequences are getting kneed in the balls onstage).

Caveat: #nofatties! is actually pretty funny.

White Girls Whose Only Joke is That They “Talk Black”

Smack, ugh, guuuuuurl let me talk about mah baby daddy. Oh my God, girl, talk about him, he a dawg. He such a dawg. Let me pat my weave, and file my nails, and shift my weight back and forth wildly, while we talk about it, guuuuurl. Isn’t it funny that even though this scene has no content, people are laughing because we’re white girls “talking black?” Yeah gurl, I think that’s the whole point of dis scene. And it ain’t racist at all. 

Rasheeda and Shanqueque, your services are no longer needed. You can still play Sassy White Ladies named Reba and Shana. They got baby daddy problems, too. They just call them “custody battles.”

Mr. Johnson, The Guy in the Office Who Has No Qualities Other Than Always Being Named “Johnson”

Great object work. I really believed that file folder. Don’t come back, ever. 

The Gayest Man You’ve Ever Met (Unnamed)

Heeeey! I’m Gaaaaay! I’m your wedding planner, but I’m going to try to tongue kiss your fiancé in this scene. Not because that is how any gay guy you’ve ever met would behave at his job, but because I am being played by a dude who’s always wondered what its like to kiss another dude.

It’s wonderful. You should kiss dudes as often as you can. Can we just do so as a character that is a little more specific? And like, wouldn’t make your Republican grandfather laugh super hard?

Caveat: I’m writing this in a sandwich shop in West Hollywood. We may not be as far off with this one as I initially thought. 

Ba-Rack O-Ba…. Ma

Hel-lo. I am…. Ba-Rack O-Ba…. Ma. Annnnnd, I’m a very easy impression to do?

Goodbye Mr. President. Leave the comedy to Michelle. 

See also: Charlie Sheen, Miley Cyrus, Bill Cosby. 

The Guy Who’s About to Jump Out of a Plane (Or Off a Cliff) But Really Doesn’t Want To, But Keeps Saying He Wants To

JUST JUMP ALREADY! And don’t survive the fall. 

***Please note: The Really Smart Kid with a Lisp and Tons of Insight was not on this list. I don’t care what your improv teacher says, I love that kid. We’re renewing his contract. 

Ashley Nicole Black dropped out of her Ph.D. program to focus on comedy. Her mother is super proud. You can follow her @ashleyn1cole.

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