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How to Avoid Touching Your Boob During the National Anthem

By The Second City | Jun 3, 2015

With tons of baseball games and Fourth of July right around the corner, the national anthem is bound to be the song of the summer. Which means you’ll need to put your right hand over your heart a lot. Unfortunately, my heart is right under my boob.

It’s like this, guys: Imagine if your heart was behind your dick. That would make things so weird for a variety of reasons, but mostly during the national anthem. So, here are some ways to ease the inevitable brush with breast during our country’s theme song:

hand over heart 1- over
Go Over
I wish it was “Put your right hand over your brain,” but I didn’t make the rules. George Washington did. This move gets your hand pretty close to your heart. The downside? It doesn’t truly go over your heart. Because unless your rack is naturally stacked real high, your heart is directly under your boob.

hand over heart 2- under
Go Under
This maneuver is less popular but gets your hand just as close to your heart as going over would, while still avoiding the actual boob. Again, this gets your hand aaaalmost all the way over your heart but not 100%. Not ideal, but that’s just how my body is built.

hand over heart 3- over and under
Go Over AND Under
This is against National Anthem rules, but sometimes it’s your only option to avoid that uncomfortable moment where everyone can plainly see you groping yourself in front of our nation’s flag. Place your right and left hand above and below your heart, avoiding the boob altogether while still maintaining an approximately close distance.

hand over heart 4- hover
I love grabbing my boobs. You know how men say “If I had boobs I’d be touching them all the time?” It’s true. I touch my boobs constantly. Every chance I get. It is very fun having boobs. That being said, the National Anthem is for reflecting upon the love of our country, not a time for me to honk my gals. The hover is less fun for you, but much more respectful.

hand over heart 5- pillow
Use a Pillow as a Buffer
This works really well but the only downside is that you have to carry around a pillow all the time. Make sure the pillow is big enough to create significant space in between your hand skin and your boob.

hand over heart 6- fake hand
Use a Fake Hand
Be careful you don’t get caught with the fake hand, though, because that’s treason.

hand over heart 7- grab it
Just F*ckin’ Grab It
Lean in, man. If all else fails, just commit HARD and grab yourself. Hopefully you won’t get kicked out of the stadium.

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