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Holiday shopping is difficult under the best of circumstances. But nothing is harder than finding the perfect gift for your relative who also believes that the moon landing was faked. Lucky for you, we’ve put together a comprehensive gift guide for the hardcore Truther in your life. We guarantee they’ll like your present so much, they’ll wonder if the government wiretapped their phone to find out exactly what was on their wish list!
Under $1: Masking Tape
There are no small gifts, only small gift givers. And your paranoid relative will sincerely appreciate a lifetime supply of tape to cover the camera on their laptop, forever ensuring that the government will never be able to catch them masturbating.
Under $10: Ronda Rousey Poster
Every movement needs a leader, and who better to rally around than Ronda Rousey, UFC champion and firm believer that 9/11 is an inside job?
Under $50: Amazon Gift Card Worth $50.00
Not specific to conspiracy theorists, but the perfect gift for literally anyone. Even the person who spends most of their time surfing the Deep Web needs to stop and order toilet paper in bulk once in a while.
Under $75: Ticket to Katt Williams’ 'Conspiracy Theory' Comedy Tour
The best gifts are the ones we never think to buy for ourselves. And while it may never have occurred to your relative to attend a Katt Williams show, they might enjoy this one. Bonus points if you get them high before the show so they feel comfortable talking about how Elvis is still alive.
Under $100: Podcasting Equipment
This holiday season, give your loved one the gift of a wider audience. With this podcasting equipment, they’ll be able to tell both of their listeners all about how Princess Diana was murdered as part of a larger government cover up.
Under $200: Jack Shit
Two hundred dollars is way too much money to spend on anyone who thinks that climate change isn’t real.
Ilana Gordon is a Chicago improviser, actress and writer. You can find her published works on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Mashable and bathroom stall doors across America. You can follow her on Twitter and catch her web series “Real Home Workouts” here.