Congratulations to all the 2019 Golden Globe nominees.
Nothing says “I don’t know you or what you’re interested in at all” like a generic bank gift card, which is like cash, but much more confusing. And a “Free Back Rub” coupon? Cheap and stupid.
Here are some practical gift cards that staff members of The Second City are hoping to find in their stockings this year.
Meal Box Delivery Service
A box arrives containing both with food and a human…who then cooks the meal, cleans everything up, and puts you to bed.
One Guilt-Free, Solid Nap
“One” because you’re not excessive. “Guilt-free” because there are literally 20 other things you should always also be doing. “Solid” because it’s the most restorative kind (not to be confused with “cat” or “power”). “Nap” because see: “guilt-free.”
This offer may be used in combination with other offers, including PTN: Paid Time Napping.
Holiday Outings Hall Pass
Get full credit for attending a group holiday outing–without having to actually go (so you can stay home watching Hallmark Channel movies, duh). Most valuable on: 12/22, 12/23, and/or any parties requiring a homemade dish or themed “ugly sweater” attire.
Morning Car Warm-Up Voucher
Nothing is worse than sitting in your frigid car while it warms up…except remote-starting your car and still getting in too early. This gift card entitles you to the services of a human car warmer-upper who will let you know the moment your ride’s temp is *chef’s platonic, respectful kiss under the mistletoe.*
2 Feet (At Least) of Personal Space on the Red Line
Escape all those oodles of caressing knees, hands and sometimes even hips (really?) coming at you from every direction! *This offer doubled to 4 feet during rush hour.
“Get Out of this Conversation Free” Card
Not in the mood to answer questions about dating apps from your saddest aunt? Want more than anything for your dad to stop talking about the book he’s reading on the Civil War? Care deeply about your loved ones, but want them to shut the fuck up for two goddamn seconds? Perfect for the holidays, this gift card entitles the user to walking away from any unwanted conversation with any family members, no questions asked.
The Maxine Waters “Reclaim Your Time” Certificate
This entitles you to full reimbursement of your time–or compensation for time wasted–in the inevitable circumstance where you have to explain how the world really works to someone who appears to live in another universe. *This offer is tripled during election season.
One Weekend of Human Dibs
The Anytime Sandwich
Walk into any establishment, anywhere, anytime (including the abandoned Treasure Island building) and get a free sandwich.
Play with puppies! All the time! Play 10 times, play one hundred million more times–FREE! *This offer includes unlimited cat video streaming.
Give the gift of funny!
Thanks to Second City contributors Lauren Annese, Val Bodurtha, Caitlin Cash, Jeremy Dabbs, Liz Kozak, Jasmine Lucas, Andrea Miller, Kirk Miller, Jordan Savusa, Christina Shaver, Abby Wagner, and Erin Washington.