DOV CHARNEY

dov@americanapparel.com

dov69@gmail.com

OBJECTIVE

To create a pleasurable work environment. Very pleasurable.

EXPERIENCE

1990 - 2004, Founder/CEO, American Apparel 

• Pioneered line of fashionable, sweatshop-free clothing in downtown Los Angeles sweatshops
• Designed non-traditional clothing pieces that real people couldn’t possibly consider wearing
• Increased employee retention by offering raises and bonuses in exchange for not pressing charges
• Slashed typography budget by only using Helvetica
• Launched innovative, cost-saving marketing campaign by publishing unsolicited nude photos of models
• Eliminated need for sexual harassment and sensitivity training by implementing terms like “sluts,” “whores” and “wannabe Jews” into the standard workplace vernacular
• Sold $2 t-shirts for $60
• Created industry-leading interview techniques through the use of masturbation
• Maintained company-wide database of barely legal immigrants and teens
• Frequently dropped pants to "show people MY new product" (A direct quote from my deposition tape!)

1970 - Present, Amateur Pornographer

• Samples available upon request

SKILLS

• Product Development - Marketing
• Management - Self-Gratification
• Alienation - Weirdo Mustaches
• Microsoft Excel

PENIS

• At least 7”
• Samples available upon request.

AWARDS & ACCOLADES

2004, Entrepreneur of the Year, Ernst & Young

2004, Man of the Year, Apparel Magazine

2006, That Was Great! That Blonde Chick Behind the Counter

2008, Retailer of the Year, The Michael Awards

REFERENCES

“He’s not a moral monster.” --Allan Mayer, Board Member, American Apparel

“I thought it was almost normal.” --Irene Morales, Former Employee, American Apparel

“Just look at him.” --YUP Magazine

“Take my word for it: Dov’s a pro.” --Terry Richardson, Professional Photographer

“How much for a pair of socks?” --A Customer